Fatwa Bans Red Devils and Christian Clubs

UPDATE - PLAGIARISM ALERT!!
This post has been PLAGIARIZED by unethical, slim-ball ulamas!!

Juslo's Bawang

(KUALA LUMPUR, 31 Nov 2008) In line with its role and mandate to protect the country’s stupid and vulnerable Muslims, Malaysia’s top Islamic body today ruled against Muslims supporting Manchester United Football Club as well as a host of other European football clubs, saying they have elements of evil and other religions that could corrupt the highly fragile Muslims.


The National Fatwa Council's edict said that supporting such football clubs involves not just physical activities or being a couch potato, but also includes Satanic or Christian spiritual elements, chanting and worship.

"It is inappropriate. It can destroy the faith of a Muslim, who are by definition stupid and vulnerable," council chairman Professor Tan Sri Dato’ Seri Dr Sheikh Abdul Shukor Husin told reporters. He noted that clerics in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan had issued a similar edict in 2008 that called the support of such European football clubs "an aberration."

Recently, the council issued an edict banning yoga and tomboys, ruling that yoga is Hinduism’s secret weapon to bring Malaysian Muslims back to their ancestors’ kafir roots (the earliest recorded religions in the Malay archipelago were Hinduism and Buddhism, before the spread of Islam to the region), while girls who act like boys violate the tenets of Islam. The fatwa council took up the football club issue after an infidel blogger, Juslo, last week criticised the council’s ban on yoga and tomboys as further evidence of the oppression of Muslim women in the name of Islam, and dared the council to take on the male Muslims instead.


SYAITAN MERAH

The fatwa explained that the reason why Manchester United is banned is because of its nickname, RED DEVIL or “Syaitan Merah”. The council chairman elaborated, “In other words, those who support or worship Manchester United players are basically worshipping the Satan. World famous Man U players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs are actually the incarnations of the Devil himself.”

When asked whether the fatwa has exaggerated the significance of a mere nickname, the council chairman denied and pointed to an additional proof: the emblem of Manchester United, where it clearly shows a Devil-like creature holding a Devil’s ‘fork’. Therefore, according to the council chairman, anybody who wears or uses Man U T-shirts or merchandise is basically carrying around the Devil with them all the time.

“Only Satan-worshippers would walk around proudly displaying the symbol of Satan. God-fearing Muslims would not associate themselves with the Devil, whether Red or Black or whatever. Also, the way they cheer and chant in the stadium in order to frighten their opponents (or in front of giant TV screens in mamak stalls everywhere) is Satan’s way of leading the Muslims astray because the cheering and chanting of Red Devils shows that they are loyal to God’s enemy."

"Instead of spending all their energy to shout “Allahu Akhbar” during their weekly after-Friday-prayer demonstrations against cartoons and infidel oppressors in front of the US Embassy and British High Commission, or against freedom of religion and speech in front of the Bar Council, they now reserve their energies "for Saturday" in order to cheer the Red Devils who carry clearly infidel names such as Cristiano, Carlos, Paul and Michael. Man U supporters therefore incur God’s wrath at least on a weekly basis. They will definitely go to hell.”

The shares of Manchester United traded on the London Stock Exchange fell 50% on the release of such a landmark fatwa by 1 of the world’s most influential and respected intellectual heavyweight institutions, Malaysia’s National Fatwa Council. On the other hand, shares of Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool Football Clubs jumped at least 25% each as analysts predict that most Muslim supporters of Man U would switch their allegiance to these 3 fierce rivals of Man U.

The Man U management has already convened an emergency board meeting to discuss whether to accommodate their Muslim supporters by changing the Club’s famous emblem and nickname. The meeting has not ended as of press time, after 5 hours of continuous deliberation. Options being considered are: changing the nickname to ‘Red Angels’, let the creature in the emblem wear a songkok or skull cap, or simply changing the Club’s name to “Mujaheeden United”.


KELAB-KELAB SALIB

However, Manchester United is not the only European football club affected. The fatwa also ruled that it is haram for Muslims to support the following football clubs (more to come) as they are deemed to be the “new armies of Christian Crusaders” who try to penetrate the hearts and minds of Muslim youths around the world by disguising as football clubs and turn all Muslim football fans into Christians simply by seducing them to wear or use their Christian merchandise. The reason is obvious and needs no elaboration: the presence of a Salib (Christian Cross) in each of the emblem of these clubs!!

AC Milan, a Christian Club.

(Don't tell me you idiots can't fucking see that HUGE cross, even if you are illiterate!)

Barcelona, also a Christian Club.

(Duh!!)

Real Madrid, definitely a Christian Crusaders' Club.

(Can't you morons fucking see that TINY cross on top of the Crusader's crown?? Don't you motherfuckers remember which country started the SPANISH Inquisition??)

How such obvious signs of Christian Crusader agenda has escaped the attention of the defenders of Islam around the world for so long is indeed puzzling.

The National Fatwa Council is also due to publish a list of “Kelab-Kelab yang ditanggung Halal” (Religiously Permissible Football Clubs) next week for Muslim football fans to choose from. Sources have indicated that little known Middle-eastern football clubs from Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Turkey and even Shiite Iran are expected to top the list. However, NONE of the clubs from Malaysia's professional football clubs from the Super League and Premier League is expected to be recommended to avoid further embarrassment to Malaysia.

A non-Muslim reporter asked whether the National Fatwa Council is insulting the intelligence of Muslim football fans in banning these European clubs because it basically suggests that Muslim football fans are too fucking stupid to tell whether they are only engaging in sporting activities and not religious worship; or that they are too fucking blur to tell whether they are at a football stadium or watching the match on the god damn TV on 1 hand, or praying at a mosque or church on the other hand.

The council chairman immediately retorted that infidels have no business questioning Muslim affairs, politely suggested the reporter to fuck off and then threatened to lodge a police report against that reporter immediately for disrespecting the Malay Rulers, the position of Islam, the Federal Constitution and inciting racial hatred. The chairman also gave that reporter a short lecture on “watch out for ISA, read your history and remember the Social Contract" blah blah blah (you know, the usual tirade used by Malay ultras to avoid intelligent debates) before abruptly changing the subject to tomboys and lesbians after he was told that the infidel reporter was actually a non-Malaysian journalist from Reuters.


JIHAD BOLA SEPAK

Meanwhile, to counter the increasing influence of Satan and the Crusaders over the hearts and minds of Muslim youths all over the world, the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar University, Egypt, has called on the Rulers of the oil-rich Gulf states to do an “Ibrahimovic” by buying up popular European football clubs with heavy Christian traditions and change them to become more ‘Islamic’ so that Muslims can wholeheartedly engage in healthy sporting activities without worrying about being led astray.

“Oh, those who believe! Turn AC Milan into AC Mullah, change Real Madrid into Real Medina! Remove the crosses and bring in the moon! Use your endowment (oil money) wisely in the way of Jihad, and your fight for the souls of your Muslim brothers shall be rewarded hereafter!”

The Grand Imam made the above call to these Rulers in his latest Friday sermon.

Meanwhile, back in Malaysia, immature and no-sense-of-humour Muslim readers of Juslo’s blog are expected to label Juslo as anti-Islam, rather than of trying to use their fucking brain cells to see just how ridiculous and childish this so-called ‘Islamisation’ nonsense has become. However, it really makes you wonder how is it possible that these geniuses still haven’t thought of the bloody obvious and come up with a fatwa to ban Man U yet, so that we infidels don’t have to fight so hard for tables at the mamak stalls every Saturday night and during Champions League matches. Totalitarianism is only for picking on women and soft targets, perhaps?

Politik baru Datuk Chamil Wariya

Yo yo Malaysia, wassup?!!!

Look, people, recently I’m sort of tired of writing news and commentaries on current affairs like a responsible journalist, so I decided to try my hands at literature (I mean REAL literature, fit for a Nobel nomination), after reading this highly inspiring, original and sophisticated piece at Malaysia’s most respected, mature and responsible daily newspaper, Utusan Malaysia.

The parts which I have made “bold” are places where I have tried to be original. I've also added some commentaries (in red) at the most important parts of the plots for those Malaysian TRAITORS out there who don't know our Bahasa Kebangsaan well enough to read through the whole piece.

So, enjoy, and tell me what you think… I hope you would be kind because it's my first shot at writing literature/cerpen!!

(Needless to say, all these are pure fiction. No incitement for violence, murder or racial hatred intended!! Readers' intelligence required. Parental guidance needed for Utusan Malaysia readers.)

Wish all of you in Malaysia a Molotov-free week!!

Politik baru DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA

Juslo punya Sastera/ Cerpen


PAGI itu resah DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, yang lebih mesra dengan panggilan DATUK C sukar dikawal. Sepanjang perjalanan menuju ke Dewan Perhimpunan Warga Mayu di ibu kota, fikirannya terganggu. Tuduhan bahawa dia anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India dan anti-bukan Islam sungguh-sungguh menghantui perasaannya sejak malam tadi lagi. Entah mengapa baru sekarang dia begitu, dia sendiri tidak tahu. Dia juga tidak pasti sama ada pemandunya, Ah Kow, menyedari gelora jiwanya ketika itu. Kalau dia tahu pun, peduli apa, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA berbisik sendirian.

Pemandu itu memang sedia maklum pendirian politiknya tentang kepentingan kaumnya vis a vis orang bukan Melayu. Dan dia tahu Ah Kow menghormati pendiriannya, walaupun dilihat anti-bukan Melayu, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India sebagai hak asasi tinggal dalam sebuah negara demokrasi. Bukankah kebebasan asasi itu dijamin oleh Perkara 5 hingga Perkara 13 Perlembagaan Persekutuan. Tetapi DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akui demokrasi ada yang tidak sempurna dan kerap disalahgunakan oleh pihak yang berkuasa, khususnya surat khabar “Ulat Malaysia”. Tetapi hakikat itu tidak menghalang rakyat menempatkan pembangkang di Dewan Rakyat. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA adalah salah seorang daripadanya.

Ah, tudahan dia anti-bukan Melayu, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India, dan anti-bukan Islam tuduhan yang melulu bentak DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA seolah-olah mahu menyedapkan dirinya.. Ia juga tuduhan yang tidak berasas, hati kecilnya bersuara lagi. Dia meyakinkan dirinya bahawa kenyataan kenyataan yang dibuatnya atas nama satu kaum untuk memperjuangkan kepentingan kaumnya, bukan sesuatu yang rasis. Muslim Brotherhood, organisasi hak asasi antarabangsa akan menyetujuinya. Begitu juga dengan Saudi Arabia. Perdana Menteri dan seluruh Kabinet Barisan Nasioinal pun tidak pernah menganggapnya rasis. Yang menganggapnya rasis hanya orang bukan Melayu di dalam Parti Orang Bukan Melayu (POBM).

“Aku juga bukan anti-bukan Islam. Aku bukan anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India,” pujuk hati DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA yang sudah dua penggal bergelar YB itu, mewakili Parti Rasis Ketuanan Melayu. Parti itu dianggotainya sejak berada di kampus lagi, walaupun Akta Universiti dan Kolej Universiti melarang para siswa membabitkan diri secara langsung dalam mana-mana organisasi siasah. (Walaubagaimanapun, beliau tidak pernah menjadi seorang wartawan atau penulis sastra sepanjang hayat beliau oleh kerana pendiriannya yang anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech).) Lagi pun penguatkuasaan undang-undang itu sekadar melepas batuk di tangga. Lebih dari itu, ia adalah satu lagi undang-undang lapuk, kata DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA.

Kata hatinya lagi: “Aku sekadar memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum aku, sama seperti pemimpin bukan Melayu dalam POBM memperjuangkan kepentingan bangsanya, sama seperti pemimpin Parti Orang Kafir (POKAF) berjuang untuk bangsa menggunakan wajah bukan Islamnya.”

Malah DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA berasakan kelantangannya memperjuangkan kepentingan kaumnya itulah yang telah membantunya menang kali kedua kerusi Parlimennya. Kali ini dengan majoriti yang lebih besar lagi. Apa yang membanggakan dia adalah perjuangan yang dianggap anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India dan anti-bukan Islam itu kini turut disokong pengundi-pengundi bukan Melayu di kawasan pilihan rayanya itu. Pada mulanya dia sendiri terkejut apabila dimaklumkan sebahagian besar pengundi bukan Melayu yang merupakan 20 peratus keseluruhan pemilihan berdaftar dalam kawasan Parlimen Alam Maya telah memangkahnya.

Ini satu perkembangan luar biasa. Tidak mungkin mereka menyokong aku, bisik hatinya. Tetapi apabila dimaklumkan oleh para pekerja parti bahawa pengundi bukan Melayu di semua peti undi telah beralih arah mendokongnya, dia menerimanya dengan fikiran terbuka. Baguslah kalau orang bukan Melayu menerima perjuangan Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Barunya.

Tidak puas hati bermonolog dengan perasaannya, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA secara spontan berpaling kepada Ah Kow, pemandunya yang sejak tadi tekun dengan tugasnya.

“Kamu fakir saya anti-bukan Islam, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India?”

Pertanyaan

Ah Kow yang sudah menghampiri usia bersara itu tidak menjawab, seolah-olah dia tidak mendengar pertanyaan itu. Matanya tertumpu ke jalan raya. Tugasnya adalah untuk mempastikan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA selamat ke majlis yang ingin dihadirinya. Dan tiba tepat pada waktunya. Majlis itu penting kerana DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akan mengadakan dialog dengan generasi muda seketurunan dengannya yang belajar di luar negara tetapi kebetulan berada di tanah air kerana bercuti. Ah Kow sendiri tidak pasti sama ada pelajar yang pernah mempersendakan lagu Negara Ku sewaktu menuntut di sebuah universiti di Seberang Laut turut berada dalam kelompok itu. Kalau pun ada, pemandu DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tidak ambil pusing. Budak itu memang kurang ajar. Ada ke patut Malaysia dianggap sebagai Negara Tanah Melayu Islamiah Ultra (ejaan Inggerisnya ‘Nazi’) yang bermaksud rasis. Dan kreativiti digunakan untuk menghalalkan perbuatan biadapnya itu. Cuma Ah Kow berfikir kalau semua orang dibiarkan menghina lagu Kebangsaan dengan lirik yang memperlekehkan kehidupan orang bukan Islam, dan atas nama kreativiti, maka kesannya terhadap perhubungan kaum adalah negatif.

Ah Kow tidak tahu apakah yang sebenarnya mengganggu bosnya itu sejak dari tadi lagi. Dia jarang begitu. Ah Kow dapat mengesan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA lain macam sahaja pagi itu. Dia dapat membaca keresahan dan kegelisahan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Seolah-olah ada sesuatu yang tidak kena walaupun apa yang sebenarnya berkocak di dalam diri DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dia tidak pasti. Sepanjang ingatan Ah Kow, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA juga tidak pernah berbual dengannya tentang politik, apa lagi tentang isu-isu semasa - kecuali memberi arahan yang ada kaitan dengan perjalanan atau jadual kerja. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA juga tidak bertanya sama ada dia mengundi POBM atau parti apa pada pilihan raya yang lalu.

Lazimnya, sepanjang perjalanan, baik ke pejabat atau majlis-majlis rasmi dan tidak rasmi yang lain, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akan menghabiskan masa membaca akhbar atau membelek-belek fail. Tetapi pagi itu DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA lain macam sahaja. Dia kelihatan resah. Gelisah. Fikirannya juga seolah-olah tidak menentu. Apa yang dibuat serba tak kena. Sekejap dia membelek ucapan utama yang akan disampaikan sebentar lagi menghuraikan gagasan Politik Baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Baru yang dipeloporinya. Sekejap dia membelek akhbar-akhbar yang memang menemani DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ke mana juga dia pergi.

Ah Kow cuba mencongak mungkin keresahan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ada kaitan dengan suhu politik negara sedang panas ketika itu. Bahangnya terasa di mana-mana. POBM sendiri sedang menghadapi pergolakan yang hebat berkait dengan kepimpinannya. Pertarungan kepentingan puak-puak di dalam parti sedang mengambil tempatnya. Kalaulah tidak kerana kedudukan politik kerajaan agak lemah selepas kehilangan majoriti dua pertiga, sudah lama Operasi Lancau, seperti yang pernah dibuat pada 1978, dilaksanakan, agaknya. Mungkin juga tidak kerana di bawah kepimpinan sekarang, kerajaan mengambil sikap yang lebih liberal terhadap para pengkritiknya.

Ah Kow juga terfikir mungkin perasaan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA terganggu dengan tindakan kalangan yang tidak diketahui siapa mereka melempar bom petrol ke rumah keluarga ahli Parlimen Sepohon Beringin, Su Lan. Barangkali, fikir Ah Kow, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, bimbang kejadian yang sama boleh menimpa diri atau keluarganya.

Mana tahu selepas keluarga Su Lan, musuhnya DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA pula yang menjadi mangsa. Dan yang dilempar itu bom betul-betul. Meletup pula. Tidakkah nahas DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Sekonyong-konyong Ah Kow terbayang kejadian letupan bom berani mati yang berlaku di Damsyik, Syria yang ditonton menerusi Buletin Utama di TV3 beberapa hari lalu. Kalau kejadian yang sudah menghiasi kehidupan harian di Iraq, Israel, Tebing Barat, Gaza atau Afghanistan itu menular di negara ini, alangkah malangnya bumi bertuah ini. Minta disimpang malaikat 44, Ah Kow berkata sendirian di dalam hatinya.

Tetapi fikir Ah Kow, amaran kalau tidak diendahkan berbahaya. Dia teringat apa yang diceritakan berlaku pada 31 Mei 1996. Bapanya menceritakan dalam tragedi selepas pilihan raya umum pada 30 Mei itu, orang bukan Cina dan bukan Melayu berbunuh-bunuhan. Perjuangan yang mahu menafikan hak-hak tidak istimewa orang bukan Melayu dan kaum bukan bumiputera lain yang tidak dijamin oleh Perlembagaan Persekutuan, tidak dapat diterima oleh mereka. Kata-kata kesat dan menghina orang bukan Melayu oleh para penyokong parti-parti pembangkang sewaktu berarak meraikan kemenangan besar di Kuala Longkang dan bandar-bandar utama lain pada pilihan raya 1996 itu tidak dapat ditelan oleh orang bukan Melayu. Parang yang terbiar tumpul selama ini diasah tajam. Dalam keadaan itu tercetuslah pergaduhan yang dahsyat menyebabkan Parlimen digantung dan pemerintahan darurat diisytiharkan. Negara diletakkan di bawah perintah berkurung. Ah Kow sendiri belum lahir ketika itu. Tidak lama selepas itu, peralihan kuasa berlaku daripada Tunku Ahmad Rahman kepada timbalannya, Tun AhmadRazak. Namun demikian, ia telah disahkan oleh rekod-rekod sejarah bahawa sebab sebenarnya peristiwa 31 Mei 1996 berlaku adalah akibat konspirasi ahli-ahli politik Parti Rasis Ketuanan Melayu yang ingin merampas kuasa, dan disokong dengan sepenuhnya oleh editor-editor dan wartawan-wartawan rasis di surat khabar “Ulat Malaysia”.

“Kow, saya ni anti-bukan Islam dan anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India ke?,” DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA secara mendadak mengulang semula pertanyaannya apabila tiada jawapan daripada pemandunya.

Ah Kow, yang sejak tadi membisu seribu bahasa selamba menjawab: “Mungkin tidak YB.” Dia memberi jawapan berlapik. Maksudnya: Mungkin tidak, mungkin ya bergantung pada mata yang menilai.

“Apa maksud kamu mungkin tidak.”

" Ini soal persepsi YB. Persepsinya begitulah. Hakikatnya DATUK tidak membenci bukan Melayu tidak juga membenci bukan Islam. DATUK sekadar memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum YB. Tidak salah DATUK berbuat demikian. Kalau DATUK tidak memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum DATUK sendiri, siapa lagi. Tetapi cara DATUK itu barangkali disalahertikannya.”

“Maksud kamu?" Tanya DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA yang masih belum jelas lagi.

Bergantung

“Yalah, ia bergantung pada mata yang memandang. Bukan sahaja di kalangan orang bukan Melayu, tetapi di kalangan bukan bukan Melayu. DATUK kena ingat di kalangan bukan bukan Melayu pun bukan semuanya menerima politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru YB. Kalau tidak masakan parti satu kaum seperti Parti Orang Cina Babi (POCB) masih boleh bertahan.”

“Apa maksud kamu. Saya tidak begitu jelas?"

“Yalah bagi DATUK perjuangan DATUK adalah anti-pelbagai kaum. Tetapi dalam tindak tanduk, perjuangan anti-pelbagai kaum DATUK itu tidak tertonjol. DATUK mahu menghapuskan tulisan bukan jawi dan ganti dengan tulisan Melayu. Bagi mereka itu bukan perjuangan bukan pelbagai kaum. Ia perjuangan pelbagai kaum. Kalau benar bukan pelbagai kaum, DATUK patut menghapuskan tulisan jawi.” Ah Kow memberanikan diri untuk memberikan pandangannya.

Mengesan bosnya ingin mendengar pandangannya lagi, Ah Kow berkata: “Patutnya kalau DATUK benar-benar ingin menjadi pejuang bukan pelbagai kaum, kepentingan orang bukan Melayu harus diketepikan sewaktu mengetengahkan kepentingan kaum Melayu. DATUK perjuangkan kepentingan satu sahaja. Penerimaannya saya pasti berbeza. DATUK akan dilihat sebagai tidak mahu menjaga kepentingan kaum YB, tetapi pada waktu yang sama menafikan hak orang bukan Melayu.”

(nota Juslo: sorry, I became a little confused myself, hehe... corrections welcomed!)

Itu perjuangan POBM dan POCB, dengus DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA di dalam hatinya. Bosan aku dengan Si Ah Kow ini, dia berkata sendirian. Aku penganjur politik Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru dan tidak mahu terikat dengan kerangka politik lama, katanya lagi kepada dirinya.

Perbualan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dengan pemandunya habis di situ sahaja. Dia tidak mahu lagi mendengar pandangan karut pemandunya. Dia mahu terus melayan perasaan: Aku percaya pada Politik Baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Baru, tegas DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA pada dirinya. Setiap warganegara, tanpa mengira apa keturunan mereka patut diberi hak yang lebih rendah daripada orang Melayu mengikut undang-undang yang mempertahankan Ketuanan Melayu Ultra. Tidak ada bangsa yang patut diberi layanan istimewa yang setaraf dengan orang Melayu. Tidak ada warga yang patut diberi darjat atau kelas kedua kecuali orang bukan Melayu. Kita semua orang Malaysia tetapi bukan semuanya orang Melayu.

DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA enggan melayan Ah Kow lagi. Sebaliknya, dia membelek akhbar “Ulat Malaysia” yang secara rasmi menyokong dan disokong oleh partinya. Perhatiannya tertumpu pada artikel berjudul Jangan Padam Rekod Negara yang ditulis oleh seorang generasi muda Cina yang menolak tesis politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru.

Ah, satu lagi propaganda yang memperlekehkan kaum aku, dengus hati DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Jangan-jangan yang menulis artikel ini orang bukan Melayu. Mereka masih menganggap kaum aku sebagai berketurunan bukan istimewa. Tidak guna punya generasi baru. Dengus DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Bisik hatinya lagi: Betullah dulu nenek moyang mereka berhijrah ke bumi bertuah ini untuk mencari kekayaan, membebaskan diri mereka daripada kemiskinan dan keperitan hidup di China. Itu dulu. Generasi Cina sekarang sudah menjadi warganegara Malaysia dan mereka kemudian meminta dilayan seperti warganegara Malaysia. Ini langsung tidak boleh diterima.

Dikejutkan

Sedang DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA asyik dengan lamunannya, dia dikejutkan dengan suara pemandunya yang memaklumkan, “Kita sudah sampai YB.”

Menunggu dia di luar ialah para penganjur dialog yang bakal berlangsung. Salah seorang daripada mereka membuka pintu kereta DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, bersalaman dengannya dan memperkenalkannya dengan ahli jawatankuasa penganjur yang lain. Diiringi oleh mereka, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dibawa ke pentas. Menurut kiraannya ada 500 orang di dalam dewan pagi itu. Dia bangga dengan kehadiran begitu ramai anak bangsanya yang ingin bertemu dengannya. Apa yang lebih membanggakan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ialah mereka belajar luar negara bukan dengan biayai sendiri, degan bantuan sepenuh kerajaan.

Selepas ucapan-ucapan aluan oleh pengerusi penganjur selesai, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dijemput untuk memberi ucapannya. Inilah detik-detik yang ditunggu-tunggu oleh DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Gagasan politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra barunya akan dihebahkan kepada dunia bebas. Dia teringat buku Dr Mahathir yang berjudul “8 Mac The Day Malaysian Made a Huge Mistake (But Not As Huge As When They Re-Elected My BN in those 23 years).” Momentum rakyat Malaysia atau lebih tepat lagi warga bukan bukan Melayu Malaysia yang sudah jaga dari lena itu mesti ditingkatkan. Pagi itu dia berazam untuk berbuat demikian.

Tetapi tanpa diketahui oleh DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, di kalangan 500 orang generasi muda yang hadir pada pagi itu ada yang tidak setuju dengan pandangan politiknya itu. Salah seorang daripada mereka berazam untuk membetulkan penyimpangan politik DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dengan caranya yang tidak begitu tersendiri - dia akan meniru cara-cara lama yang telanpun digunakan ke atas Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Malcom X, Martin Luther King, dan sebagainya.

Apabila DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA bangun untuk menuju ke rostrum ucapan, seorang anak muda dari belakang pentas berjalan tenang menuju ke arahnya. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tersenyum kepadanya. Dia menyangka anak muda seketurunan dengannya ingin mengiringinya ke rostrum atau bersalaman dengannya.

DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA menghulurkan tangan. Tiba-tiba DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tergaman dan berdiri kaku. Dia tidak percaya dengan apa yang dilihatnya. Tergenggam erat pada tangan anak muda yang seolah-olah mahu membalas salam tangan yang dihulur itu ialah sepucuk pistol jenis Revolver yang betul-betul diajukan ke arah dada DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA.

Tanpa berkata apa-apa, anak muda itu melepaskan beberapa das tembakan. Salah satu daripadanya tepat mengenai jantung DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Dia rebah ke lantai.

(nota Juslo lagi: for those who are illetrate in Bahasa Melayu, this is the part where the Member of Parliament got shot with a gun and fell to the floor. Of course he DIED!! Be patient, see below...)

Para hadirin menjadi panik. Mereka yang berada di atas pentas turut tergamam melihat apa yang berlaku. Kejadian menjadi hiruk-pikuk dan tidak terkawal. Pihak penganjur yang tidak menduga kejadian malang itu berlaku, tidak tahu berbuat apa-apa. Beberapa orang anggota polis berpakaian preman yang menjadi tetamu yang tidak diundang dalam majlis itu, meluru ke arah pentas. Rakan-rakan mereka yang berpakaian seragam yang berkawal di luar juga bergegas masuk ke dewan.

Tetapi belum sempat mereka berbuat apa-apa, kedengaran beberapa das tembakan lagi. Kali ini yang rebah adalah anak muda itu sendiri.

(nota Juslo sekali lagi: now, this is the part where the assasin shot himself. Of course he has to - otherwise, how could be become a MARTYR and get 72 virgins?? But seriously, this is an important development in the plot, because it allows the author (that's ME, of course) to end with the dramatic 'suicide note', below...)

Apabila pihak polis tiba di tempat kejadian, kedua-dua mereka - DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dan anak muda yang berpakaian kemas itu, sudah tidak lagi bernyawa.

(nota Juslo sekali lagi-lagi: this is the part where both of them are confirmed dead.)

Sewaktu pemeriksaan dibuat ke atas mayat anak muda yang tidak dikenali itu, terselit sehelai nota yang ditaip rapi, ditulis dalam bahasa Kebangsaan.

(nota Juslo: this is the part where the author tells you (in case you still haven't got the drift) that all these were pre-planned. the assasin even 'neatly' (rapi) pre-typed the suicide note.)

Ia berbunyi: DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA adalah ancaman terhadap keharmonian. Lebih baik riwayatnya ditamatkan supaya masyarakat berbilang kaum boleh tinggal aman damai di negara bertuah ini. Saya berkorban untuk masa depan.

Habis (THE END. To be continued with more rubbish at the juvenille section of "Ulat Malaysia")

Don't forget to nominate me for next year's Nobel!!

p/s: I wonder how does RUBBING one's own medicine at one's OWN FACE taste like...? Must be fun! (Sorry if you get the impression that this is only a cheap intimidation of another great work of literature. A great imitation of a piece of cheap, trashy writing is still cheap, no matter how hard you try...)

Defections - Get Used to It

William Gladstone (1809 – 1898), four times British Prime Minister, was defeated by no-confidence votes but went on to become one of the greatest Prime Ministers in the UK's history.

(Revised on 21 Sept 2008)

1. We cannot deny that defection – from either side – is against the people’s mandate. It is the case that in this country, the ballots are deemed as the people’s last words, and that the rule of the game is, whoever commands the majority support of the Parliament is entitled to rule.

2. But will ‘chaos’ happen to our system of democracy if the government of the day could be toppled by the defections of MPs? For his attempt to topple the BN government by mass defections, the Prime Minister has even called Anwar Ibrahim a "threat to the economy and national security".

3. But then this has happened in many democratic countries governed by coalition governments such as Australia, Canada, Italy, Israel, India, Japan, etc – mature and developing democracies alike. Many Prime Ministers have been brought down by votes of no confidence – just read this list. Most of these democracies not only did not collapse, but continue to prosper to this day.

Prime Ministers defeated by votes of no confidence

Australia
* James Scullin (1931)
* Arthur Fadden (1941)
* Malcolm Fraser (1975)

Canada
* Arthur Meighen (1926)
* John George Diefenbaker (1963)
* Pierre Elliott Trudeau (1974)
* Joe Clark (1979)
* Paul Martin (2005)

Denmark
* Knud Kristensen (1947)

France
* Georges Pompidou (1962)

Germany
* Helmut Schmidt (1982)

India
* Vishwanath Pratap Singh (1990)
* H D Deve Gowda (1997)
* Atal Bihari Vajpayee (1999)

Israel
* Yitzhak Shamir (1990)

Italy
* Benito Mussolini (1943)
* Amintore Fanfani (1954)
* Romano Prodi 1st (1998)
* Romano Prodi 2nd (2008)

Japan
* Katsura Taro (1913)
* Shigeru Yoshida 2nd (1948)
* Shigeru Yoshida 4th (1953)
* Masayoshi Ohira (1980)
* Kiichi Miyazawa (1993)

The Netherlands
* Joseph Maria Laurens Theo Cals (1966)
* Rudolphus Franciscus Marie Lubbers (1989)

New Zealand
* Thomas MacKenzie (1912)

Norway
* Christopher Hornsrud (1928)
* Einar Gerhardsen (1963)
* John Lyng (1963)

Papua New Guinea
* Michael Somare (1980)
* Paias Wingti (1988)

Solomon Islands
* Francis Billy Hilly (1994)
* Manasseh Sogavare (2007)

Tuvalu
* Bikenibeu Paeniu (1999)
* Faimalaga Luka (2001)
* Saufatu Sopoanga (2004)

Ukraine
* Viktor Yushchenko (2001)
* Viktor Yanukovych (2004)

United Kingdom
* Lord North (1782)—This is considered to be the first motion of no confidence in history
* John Russell, 1st Earl Russell (1866)
* Benjamin Disraeli (1868)
* William Gladstone (1885)
* Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury (1886)
* William Gladstone (1886)
* Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury (1892)
* Archibald Primrose, 5th Earl of Rosebery (1895)
* Stanley Baldwin (January 1924)
* Ramsay MacDonald (October 1924)
* James Callaghan (1979)

4. Whenever the members of your party/coalition change ship, the government is brought down with it. So I’ve got news for you, Malaysia: It happens all the time. This is what Wikipedia says (you only need common sense to agree):

“The cases in which a motion of no confidence have passed are generally those in which the government party has a slim majority which is eliminated by either by-elections or defections. Motions of No Confidence are far more common in multi-party systems in which a minority party must form coalition government. This can result in the situation in which there are many short-lived governments because the party structure allows small parties to break a government without means to create a government.”

5. The political system might be a little more 'stable' if we have a Presidential system of government, eg. in the USA, France, South Korea, Taiwan. Unlike a Westminster style Parliamentary Democracy like ours, the Executive branch of the government in a Presidential system is not exposed to the same risk of change or removal. Once elected, the President is there for 4/5/6 years whether the Parliament/Legislature have confidence in him or not. So, you’ll know for certain who you have to deal with for a fixed period of time. In that respect, there is certainty in the political system. (Yes, you can still try to impeach the President, but it is usually very difficult and therefore very rare.)

6. On the other hand, political deadlocks are perhaps even more common in a Presidential system because it is very common to have one party controlling the Legislature and another party controlling the Presidency, kind of like what is happening now in the USA (President = Republican, Congress = Democrats) and Taiwan during President Chen (President = Democratic Progressive Party, Parliament = Nationalist Party). The Legislature may shoot down the President’s policies, and the President may veto the laws passed by the Legislature. But then the USA has survived countless such deadlocks – and prospered – for more than 200 years. Taiwan - after 2 democratic and peaceful regime changes in the past 10 years - is now proudly among the most stable democracies in Asia.

7. However, it is unlikely that Malaysia will switch to a Presidential system because we love our Monarchy, we would not want to replace it with a President. (Unless we choose to have a President who is still subordinate to the Agong, but then if the Agong has power to remove the President it would defeat the purpose of electing the President in the first place.)


Anti-Hopping Law – Unworkable

8. Can the problem of ‘political instability’ due to party-hopping be solved by an anti-hopping law? The fact that most of the other Westminster style democracies – mature and developed – in the world DO NOT have such prohibition of party-hopping seems to make the answer quite obvious.

9. But then we are Malaysia, and Malaysia is always Boleh, so maybe we should be the first to have it? Well, but how is that going to work in practice? Let's work this out.

10. The starting point we all accept is that our MPs are not mere rubber-stamps. (Softly: I know the BN MPs are, but psshhhh… in theory they are not supposed to be…) They are supposed to exercise independent judgments on whether to vote for or against any proposal presented to the Parliament, so it is always open for them - BN and Opposition alike – to vote for or against the government of the day.

11. So, it is always possible for the MP from the governing BN coalition to vote against the government’s decision to, say, join the USA in invading Iraq. This was what many British MPs from the ruling Labour Party have done, against their then leader Tony Blair. It is their right, as people’s representatives elected by their constituencies.

12. But if we have an anti-hopping law in place, does it mean that the MP from a ruling party could no longer vote against his own governing party? You might say, voting for one or two resolutions is ok, but not too many. But then how many nay-votes is too many? If a BN MP keeps voting against the BN and keeps voting in favour of proposals put up by the Opposition, is he still a member of BN, even though he is not allowed to jump ship and call himself an Opposition MP (because the anti-hopping law does not allow that)?

13. Ok, maybe we can accept him voting with the Opposition MP but he just cannot be allowed to cast a vote of no-confidence against the Prime Minister, leader of his own coalition. But if that is the case, is it still meaningful if, even though the Prime Minister cannot be defeated by no-confidence votes from his own party’s MPs, but his own MPs always vote against him in all other resolutions? How can he still govern if they keep rejecting his policies in Parliament?

14. The other alternative is of course to make it mandatory for the MPs elected under a particular party/coalition to vote according to party line, regardless of his own opinions. Therefore, let’s abolish paragraph 10 above, so the government will always be 'stable'.

15. But in that case, we would no longer have a Parliamentary Democracy – we have a de facto Presidential system which is even more powerful than the real Presidential system because we now have 2 branches cemented into 1: the Executive branch is fully controlling and controlled by the majority of the Legislative branch. Say goodbye to checks and balances and welcome Executive Tyranny – we might as well abolish the Parliament because whoever (both from BN and Opposition) is not appointed a member of the Cabinet (ie. the Executive branch) is basically useless, because they can never vote ‘no’ to any proposal by the Executive branch anyway.

16. The right of an MP to exercise his own judgment (paragraph 10 above) is so crucial and fundamental to any Parliamentary Democracy. If he is not able to vote freely, he would not be able to ‘jaga’ the Executive for the people, to vote against and to vote out the corrupt and incompetent government ministers (which is sadly the situation in the current BN-dominated Parliament). These MPs would have no reason to be elected in the first place.

17. So, to sum up, the anti-hopping law is fundamentally unsustainable because it seeks to deny the most fundamental feature of a Parliamentary Democracy – the freedom of each and every MP to vote to support any resolution, whether it is from the ruling party or the opposition.


Recall, perhaps?

18. But does it mean that the people should be left disappointed when their elected MP turns into a frog? Well, technically yes, and that is why it is so important for the voters to vote for the candidate, not the party. Vote for someone you can trust, whose judgment is sound and who is wise – no matter which party he is with. (Theoretically, don't forget that he should be allowed to jump ship after he was elected as a candidate of his party because his party might turn into a 'bad' party AFTER being elected to govern and half-way into their 5 year term.) That was the original intention of our Parliamentary system, anyway.

19. But I think instead of having anti-hopping law, we should have a ‘recall law’ where the voters in a constituency are allowed to call for a ‘referendum’ on the MP if the MP has done something against the wishes of his constituents who elected him, such as if he has changed party.

20. Voters should be allowed to have another election in their constituency to confirm whether that MP should continue to represent them in the Parliament if, say, 25% of the registered voters in that constituency petition to do so, after the general election but before the 5 year term is up. It would be like a by-election we now have.

21. That way, the MP would be forced to constantly explain his (in)actions in the Parliament to his constituents, making the system much more accountable.


Well, we must Get Used to it

22. So here we are, a Westminster style Constitutional Monarchy and Parliamentary Democracy. The Prime Minister can only be the Prime Minister if he is supported by a majority of MPs. If not, he has to step down immediately – simple as that. And MPs are allowed to change their allegiance all the time. In theory it is less 'stable', but more accountable because whenever the government does something incredibly stupid/unpopular (such as invading Iraq, 'main-main' with ISA arrests or the Prime Minister being struck by mad cow disease), the MPs should be able to bring the government down IMMEDIATELY, so that the government will be constantly accountable to the people.

23. Toppling the ruling party by defection is a fact of life in such a system, DUH!! Indeed, it SHOULD BE VERY COMMON, because it is only through this CONSTANT THREAT of being brought down that the Parliament is able to keep the government CONSTANTLY accountable and don't do anything stupid or crazy. It is the only effective weapon to check Executive tyranny. The only thing is that we have never come to this stage before in our history, so it’s completely new to us, thanks to BN’s perpetual insult on the people’s intelligence for the past 51 years and assuming that we are too stupid to handle Democracy.

24. But then I suspect that given the very slim majority (less than 5 MPs) that Anwar claims to currently have over BN in the Parliament, it is quite likely that Anwar’s “new government” (if he succeeds) could also be easily destabilised in the future by threats of MPs crossing-‘back’ (watch out for PAS).

25. If the current BN could be so easily threatened with crossing-overs even though they are only 8 MPs short of a 2/3 majority (while PR is a whopping 30 MPs short of a simple majority), I wonder how many governments in the future would be ‘stable’ enough.

26. If PR can really survive into the future and a 2-party system really takes root in Malaysia (which is a good thing for our Democracy), Malaysians must brace ourselves for a more ‘unstable’ and ‘fluid’ political system in the future. The only alternative is to back-paddle and retard the growth and maturity of our Democracy, back to the dark old days of a comprehensive domination by a single coalition (or to turn into a Presidential system – paragraph 5, 6, 7 above, which is unlikely).

27. Therefore, let’s get used to this ‘instability’, a hallmark of genuine Democracy. If so many other democracies could do it, so could we. Both sides of the political divide – and the important institutions of the country such as the Monarchy and the armed forces – should do the country a great service by accepting whatever decision is made by our elected MPs. There should be nothing to panic about if there is going to be a change in government. (Only those who are afraid of losing power should panic.) Once we manage to ride through this ‘growing pain’ of regime change (or failure to change) for the first time with calm and composure, we – and foreign investors – would have nothing to fear EVERY SINGLE time we have a general election. If we can live through this sort of 'political turmoils' unscathed, it would bear testimony to the maturity and strength of our democracy.

28. So welcome, Malaysia, to genuine Democracy. Enjoy the ride - and there is no need to 'panic'!



(from now on, I'll write like my idol Che Det - numbering my paragraphs. And it makes me feel quite 'Che Det', to be honest... hehe)

Dalai Lama wants Islamic states to follow Tibet

Juslo's Bawang

(Lhasa, Tibet, 31 June 2008) TIBET wants the Islamic states to emulate its Buddhist City concept where administration is based on religious tenets while promoting goodwill among non-Buddhists. His Holiness is expected to make the same call to the Christian, Jewish, Hindu and other pagan states in the coming weeks, according to his press secretary.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama of Tibet said that non-Buddhists should not be fearful of the Buddhist concept as it generated a harmonious lifestyle and curbed vice and crime.

“We want the Islamic states to copy Tibet’s form of governance and our concept of Buddhist cities.

“Buddhism stands for the ultimate good so we don’t see any wrong in others copying what we do,” he said after launching the pioneer USD100mil Buddhist township in Chamdo.

“If the Buddhist City concept promotes positive and healthy values, I suppose even the non-Buddhist would accept it. If they do not want to, then there is nothing we can do but people usually support good things,” he said.

The township project, billed as the gateway to Lhasa, would be carried out in four phases until 2014. It would represent every aspect of Buddhist living and religious requirement.

The city would have a state-of-the-art temple, a budget hotel with Buddhist architecture, apartment blocks, recreational grounds, shop houses and a research centre.

As at press time, it is understood that in response to the Dalai Lama's call, in the coming weeks,

(1) Nik Aziz, Malaysia's Islamic spiritual leader, would be making the same call to the Buddhists to embrace the 'Islamic City' concept;

(2) the Sheikh Al-Azhar, or the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar University, Egypt, would be making the same call to the Christians to embrace the 'Islamic City' concept;

(3) the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Shia Iran, would be making the same call to the Sunni Muslims to embrace the 'Shia City' concept;

(4) the Pope would be making the same call to the Muslims to embrace the 'Catholic City' concept;

(5) the leader of the Mormon Church would be making the same call to the Catholics to embrace the 'Mormon City' concept;

(6) the leader of the Church of Scientology would be making the same call to the Mormons to embrace the 'Scientology City' concept;

(7) the Reverend Jerry Falwell (August 11, 1933 – May 15, 2007) an American evangelical Christian pastor and televangelist, would be rising from the dead to make the same call to the Muslims to embrace the 'Christian City' concept;

(8) Adolf Hitler, still the spiritual leader of the world's Nazism, would also be rising from the dead to make the same call to the Jews to embrace the 'Nazi City' concept;

(9) Mao Tze-Dong and Joseph Stalin would also be rising from the dead together to make the same call jointly to the Capitalists of the world to embrace the 'Communist City' concept;

(10) the leader of the World Vegetarian Network would also be making the same call to all the meat-eating people of the world to embrace the 'Vega City' concept;

(11) the President of the Alcoholics Anonymous Worldwide would also be making the same call to all the healthy people of the world to embrace the 'Booze City' concept; and

(12) the Chairman of the Global Stamp Collectors Alliance would also be making the same call to all other people who actually have a life to embrace the 'Stamp City' concept.

More religious, political, ideological, leisure and what-not organizations of the world are expected to make the same call to the rest of the world, in the coming weeks and months. The world's media would face a chaotic scheduling problem as they try to decide which 'Embrace City' press conference, counter-press conference, counter-counter-press conference and re-counter-counter-counter-press conference to cover. The media are worried that if they leave out any such press conference uncovered, they would be accused of bias, discrimination, racism, and anti-whatever-ism.

The Chief Executive Officer of CNN has made his own call to the world leaders to consider postponing "making 'Embrace City' calls" to allow an orderly coverage by the world's media.

Meanwhile, the world's natural disasters, hunger, diseases, corruption and poverty problems go unreported, as the mass media are busy convering competing 'Embrace City' calls by the various organizations.

Editorial notes: “Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home.” -- Arsene Wenger, on Sir Alex Ferguson. This is very true when applied to the Dalai Lama's latest statement above.

We do wish that the Dalai Lama learn to be less divisive, chauvinistic, self-centered, and (to be honest) fascist. Imagine if EVERY RELIGION/ CREED says that THEIR belief system is the best, and should be followed, we'll have chaos. After all, who the f**k among us could tell for sure that our way is definitely THE right way and THE best way, and that others must follow? Only God knows that, not those who play-God.

What makes the Dalai Lama think that other religions, like ISLAM, does not "generate a harmonious lifestyle and curbed vice and crime"??? Maybe they would do better, MUCH MUCH BETTER, than the Dalai Lama's own religion in achieving those goals?? If that is the case, would the Dalai Lama's own followers happily accept living in an Islamic City, since Islam "stands for the ultimate good so we don’t see any wrong in others copying what we do"???

How much does the Dalai Lama actually know about other religious beliefs anyway, to give him the moral authority or enough knowledge as a basis to make that kind of claim?? Surely if you don't know anything about other beliefs, logically you would not know whether others are more inferior, or better, than your own, right??

Just like it is the Dalai Lama's f**king annoying habit of constantly criticizing those who speak up against his Buddhist ideology as "ignorant about Buddhism and therefore have no right to talk about Buddhism", the Dalai Lama should heed his own adivce and learn how to SHUT THE F**K UP.

And if you want to force YOUR religious beliefs down the throats of others, we really cannot see how you have the AUDACITY to ask people who speak up against your ideas to SHUT UP -- man, you got to expect some reactions when you are spitting at others' beliefs, right?!???!!

We at JB really cannot understand why is it that the followers of the Dalai Lama cannot f**king realize that to keep championing his own religious beliefs AS THE BEST that should be followed by all is, AT THE SAME TIME, DENIGRATING others' beliefs as INFERIOR??? We at JB really cannot see how this is conducive to world peace.

Please lah, grow up, focus on how to make everybody feel equal and at ease with each other, so we can unite as a poeple and face the bigger challenges from outside -- especially to defeat our COMMON ENEMIES. Instead of calling it the 'Buddhist City', why not call it the Peace City, so that EVERYBODY, regardless of religious background, can relate to and call his/her own??

We at JB seriously urge the Dalai Lama to stop thinking that he and the followers of his religion is like Manchester United, while the rest of us are just his INFERIOR competitors in a competitive league who are destined for hell. We are all in the same team, for f**k's sake, and we need to defeat our COMMON ENEMIES, so stop annoying others please!!!

Malaysian Men Banned From Non-OIC Countries

Juslo's Satire (Used without permission)


EMERGENCY UPDATE on 24 June 2008:
ONIC has issued travel advisory to the citizens all member states against travelling to the Northern Malaysian city of Kota Baharu. The ONIC Secretary General's Office says that the DEPTH OF PERVERSION AND DEPRAVITY of all men (or wolves???) living in that city has reached an 'extremely critical level' because in addition to being aroused by school uniforms (which is a national phenomenon not restricted to that city), men in Kota Baharu will also lose control of their sexual desire by the sight of lipstick and high heel shoes as well. It is believed that "incidents like rape and illicit sex" would befall any female wearing lipstick and high heel shoes.
The Malaysian Tourism Minister responded that "I could assure you, from my personal experience, that the women of Kota Baharu are delicioius, voluptuous, sexy and seductive enough without wearing lipstick and high heel shoes. This is to keep our men from losing their mind and self-control."


(Miami, Florida, USA, Friday, 31 June 2008) At the First Emergency Summit of the Organization of Non-Islamic Conference countries (ONIC) held here today, the ONIC have unanimously resolved that all Malaysian males who have attained the age of puberty be banned, with immediate effect, from travelling to their respective countries. All visas already granted to such Malaysian males are also automatically revoked with immediate effect. This issue was the only thing being discussed in this Emergency Summit.

Secretary-General of ONIC, Madam Angelina Jolie (above, who is also the United Nations’ Goodwill Ambassador and a renowned American actress), says that its member states were concerned about the serious lack of fundamental sexual maturity among Malaysian men which has reached a new, dangerous level, which is considered as posing clear and imminent danger to all females across its member states, including young girls and old women.

“The member states must do everything they can to protect all our women, especially our young, school girls,” said Madam Angelina Jolie. “Due to the latest authoritative confirmation by one of the leading scholars in Malaysia, the member states felt that they have run out of options to protect the safety of half of their populations (i.e. the females) from sexual harassments and attacks by a group of deeply troubled men, and depraved beasts – if I may say so. This is the only responsible and effective thing for the member states to do.”

The “latest authoritative confirmation by one of the leading scholars” referred to by Madam Angelina Jolie is the pronouncement by one of Malaysia’s most respected, most intellectual, most learned, most scholarly and most influential NGOs, the National Islamic Students Association of Malaysia, whose vice-president Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari (a leading authority on criminal psychology and gender studies in the Islamic world) has dished out her latest nugget of wisdom called the "Theory of Uniform Arousal", to the effect that the school uniforms worn by the students of the Southeast Asian country would invite “social ills, including rape, sexual harassment and even premarital sex.”

“This leads to babies born out of wedlock and, to an extent, even prostitution,” Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari said. “This could see them getting molested, having premarital sex and all sorts of things.”

This is despite the fact that the uniforms cover most of the flesh of the female body anyway, from the neck to the wrists and to the toes.

(Picture: A typical Malaysian school uniform)

It appears that the ONIC have monitored the sexual maturity of Malaysian men closely in recent years, and Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari's latest scholarly opinion firmly confirmed their respective opinions about the danger posed by Malaysian men. Analysts believe that the last straw which triggered this unprecedented ban was the Malaysian men's perverse attitude towards female school uniforms, because all of ONIC’s member states have less conservative school uniforms than those worn in Malaysia.

One woman Minister attending the Summit, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that

“When Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari opens her mouth, we all listen. With a group of men who could go crazy even by seeing innocent school uniforms like that, you really don’t know what would provoke them next. It makes you wonder what the f**k is going on in these men's heads, and how our Malaysian sisters could live in such a dangerous environment. I would say Malaysia is even more dangerous than Iraq, because half of the population is just waiting to pounce on the other half, 24-7. Our hearts and prayers are with our Malaysian sisters.”

An emotional Malaysian male journalist (who was due to be deported immediately after covering the Summit’s press conference) questioned Madam Angelina Jolie whether the ban was "racist and anti-Islam", due to the fact that Malaysia is currently the Chair of the OIC and that the views of Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari is widely shared by the member states of the OIC, especially distinguished and pious religious scholars such as the Mufti of Australia.

Upon learning about the male journalist’s nationality and before she could muster a response, Madam Angelina Jolie visibly panicked and immediately asked for the protection of the armed policemen present. After a barrier was formed by 10 policemen armed with AK-47 assault rifles between her and the male journalist, (who was more than 25 metres away below the stage anyway), she then took a deep breath, and proceeded to explain,

“If you could get aroused even by a 13 year old’s school uniform, I’m pretty sure you would have raped Lara Croft the Tomb Raider."

"As your country’s Sisters in Islam Programme manager, Miss Norhayati Kaprawi said, “Something must be seriously wrong with local men if the sight of girls in their school uniform turns them on.”

"So, we really can’t take any chances of having a bunch of horny animals who have absolutely no self-control whatsoever walking around the streets of Milan, Marseille, Miami, Monte Carlo and Mongolia, among glamorous and beautiful women. Even though the member states would lose the tourism revenue from Malaysian men, this is far outweighed by the corresponding savings in eliminating the need to beef up security at whichever place on our soils where a Malaysian man is found. It’s just not worth it.”

Referring specifically to Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari’s comments that “It becomes a distraction to men, who are drawn to it, whether or not they like looking at it… This leads to babies born out of wedlock and, to an extent, even prostitution… This could see them getting molested, having premarital sex and all sorts of things,” Madam Angelina Jolie added,

“Malaysian men can’t seem to distinguish between being pretty or sexy and being slutty. Even if it is not a question of rape, we would still save our women a great deal of harassment from sexually immature Malaysian men, who would definitely misunderstand the ordinary dresses of our member states’ women as an invitation to sexual intercourse, or to be under the mistaken belief that our waitresses at McDonald’s are actually prostitutes advertising their services. Indeed, Malaysian men are worse than Borat. At least, Borat was charming and hilarious. Anyway, we are happy to at least do without the flirting from these childish men, which is no great loss at all – after all, your own Minister has said that the Malaysian men aren’t exactly Brad Pitt material anyway, you know what I mean?”

This blanket ban would be the first time in history that an entire country’s male population has been banned by any other country, although it is less comprehensive than Malaysia’s own complete ban on all Israeli nationals from travelling to Malaysia, which is currently still in force. Therefore, analysts believe that the Malaysian government would not have the audacity to complain about it, since this is only a taste of 'half' of its own medicine.

In Miami beach, Florida, the Mayor has already announced that the City’s police have been given the authority to “shoot first, investigate later” any Malaysian men approaching a 5 mile radius of the famous Miami beach, where skimpily dressed sexy, young women is a common sight. “If they could go wild over school uniform, imagine what these sons of bitches would do to our half naked American beauties on the beaches.” Other socially liberal ONIC member states as well as countries with nude beaches such as France, Spain, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, Australia and Thailand are expected to adopt the same “shoot first, investigate later” policy towards any man looking suspiciously like a Malaysian, who comes close to any female (including the ugly ones).

For reasons still unknown to the international press, Ulan Bator is the 2^nd City to follow such a “shoot first, investigate later” policy towards Malaysian men found in the City, even though Mongolia is a land-locked country with no beach. The country's Deputy Foreign Minister has declared -- without elaboration -- that "We'll shoot any Malaysian man who dares to come to our country, absolutely! We'll blow them up too!!" fueling speculation that Mongolia's policy has nothing to do with the uniform issue but some other undisclosed reasons.

Meanwhile, back in Malaysia, it is reported that non-Muslim men are planning a street protest against the blanket ban, in an effort to clarify that they have a much higher degree of sexual maturity and self-control around women and girls, especially beautiful women, so that they should not be lumped together with their Muslim compatriots.

In Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur (the country’s hippiest fashion hub), T-Shirts bearing the slogans such as “I Am Not Horny, Angelina! (Even Though You Are So Damned Hot!!)” and “Hey, My Cork Doesn’t Pop at Uniforms!” are selling like hotcakes. Surprisingly, overwhelming majority of the buyers in the long queues are actually Muslim men, who seem to be ashamed of, and eager to distance themselves from, the enlightened opinion of Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari. This perhaps explains why there is a lack of protest of “Selling Out” against the non-Muslim men for their intended protest from the usually vocal UMNO Youths.

However, at press time, it is still unclear whether the country’s top leaders would be granted diplomatic exemptions for official visits to the ONIC countries, although the consensus seems to be that the country’s ‘trigger-happy’ Deputy Premier would most likely to be unwelcome in the ONIC.

The Malaysian Foreign Ministry spokesperson, while stated that Malaysia “understands with regret” the resolution adopted by the ONIC, have refused to comment on the Deputy Premier’s likely ban. However, the spokesperson did express the country's gratitude to Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari for publishing her "Theory of Uniform Arousal" and hailing it as "the most important discovery of Malaysian men's psychology since our Independence 50 years ago." The spokesperson added,

"In fact, if there ever was a "Theory of EVERYTHING" in the social sciences, this is it. It explains the root cause of EVERY SINGLE social problem faced by our country -- prostitution, sexual crimes, over-population by unwanted babies, et cetera et cetera et cetera et cetera! Our government will now follow the Professor's advice by changing the school uniforms. We believe that EVERY SINGLE ONE of our social problem will be automatically solved the moment we just take care of the school uniforms -- at ONE stroke of the pen only! No other country on earth could do this. This is pure genius!

So, the Malaysian Government will formally nominate the Professor for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. We believe that if the Nobel Prize committee is not racist and anti-Islam, the Professor would surely get a Nobel Peace Prize this year for her outstanding contribution to world peace (or at least peace in Muslim countries)."

Meanwhile, the Tourism Minister (whose status as a Woman is unclear), in a last-ditch attempt to woo back tourists to Malaysia, said:

"The ONIC might have missed the point here. We must remember that attraction is a 2-way process. Perhaps the ONIC women populations are simply jealous about the kind of attention our female population are getting from our men. Here is the other side of the coin: if Malaysian women could arouse our men into going wild by simply wearing a conservative school uniform, just imagine how astonishingly, breath-takingly pretty and sexy our women are! Come and check it out for yourselves -- I know I did!"

(Picture below: An unparalleled Malaysian beauty)

Well, it seems that outsiders would not be able to conclude whether it's the chicken (Malaysian men's extreme perversion) or the egg (Malaysian women's unequalled beauty) behind the "Uniform Arousal", unless they visit Malaysia personally. The intrigue continues...