Najib’s GE13 Victory Speech Inspired by Obama’s 2012

(Bawang, 31 April 2013, Kuala Lumpur) – As the Chairman of Barisan Nasional, incumbent Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak delivered his victory speech yesterday at UMNO Headquarters, PWTC, Kuala Lumpur, after the final election results of the 13^th General Election 2013 were made official by the Election Commission. RTM1, RTM2 and TV3 carried his speech live.

Observers have noted that Najib’s speech sounded very similar to Obama’s November 2012 victory speech. Perhaps Najib was trying to INSPIRE the people of Malaysia, like Obama did to the Americans. So, we have decided to reproduce the texts of both speeches together for the readers’ comparisons. You are free to form your own judgments on how well Najib did compared with Obama.

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[Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.]

NAJIB: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Obama: Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward.]

NAJIB: Tonight, more than 55 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting the Malay Agenda moves forward.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: It moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over war and depression, the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, the belief that while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.]

NAJIB: It moves forward because of you, the Bumiputras. It moves forward because you, the Bumiputras, reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over Western and Chinese colonialism, the spirit that has saved this country from the claws of Anwar Ibrahim and DAP, the belief that while each of us will fight for our own individual government projects and contracts, we are a Bumiputra family and we rise or fall together as 1Malaysia of Bumiputras lording over the Pendatangs, and as one ummah of Muslims repelling the godless infidels.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Tonight, in this election, you, the American people, reminded us that while our road has been hard, while our journey has been long, we have picked ourselves up, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for the United States of America the best is yet to come.]

NAJIB: Tonight, in this election, you, the Bumiputras, reminded the Pendatangs that while UMNO and BN might have lost the popular support, while the popular votes are clearly siding with Pakatan Rakyat, we have won the Phantom Votes, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for UMNO, the best is yet to come.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I want to thank every American who participated in this election...]

NAJIB: I want to thank every Bumiputra who voted for BN in this election...

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: ... whether you voted for the very first time or waited in line for a very long time.]

NAJIB: ... whether you voted for UMNO or the other useless parties of BN who totally depended on UMNO to win their seats.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: By the way, we have to fix that.]

NAJIB: By the way, whenever I mention Bumiputras in this speech, I don’t include the Natives of Sabah and Sarawak. I don't think I even have to remind you of that.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: ... whether you held an Obama sign or a Romney sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference.]

NAJIB: ... whether you beat up a person holding a PKR sign or a DAP sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference.

[Obama: I just spoke with Governor Romney and I congratulated him and Paul Ryan on a hard-fought campaign.]

NAJIB: I just spoke with Anwar Ibrahim and I asked him and Lim Guan Eng to go fuck themselves (and each other).

(APPLAUSE)

NAJIB: He said to me that “Well, at least we won’t have to screw or be screwed by Rosmah every single day.” I said, "Are you sure? The whole Malaysia is, kawan."

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: We may have battled fiercely, but it's only because we love this country deeply and we care so strongly about its future.]

NAJIB: We may have battled fiercely, but it's only because we love government projects and contracts deeply, and we care so strongly about the future of UMNO’s “business opportunities”.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: From George to Lenore to their son Mitt, the Romney family has chosen to give back to America through public service and that is the legacy that we honor and applaud tonight.]

NAJIB: From Anwar Ibrahim to Wan Azizah to their daughter Nurul Izzah, the Anwar family has chosen to betray the Malay Agenda through working with DAP, and those are the traitors we defeat and humiliate tonight.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: In the weeks ahead, I also look forward to sitting down with Governor Romney to talk about where we can work together to move this country forward.]

NAJIB: In the weeks ahead, I also look forward to locking up Anwar Ibrahim, Lim Guan Eng and Karpal Singh, and to talk to my good friend and ally Hadi Awang, our not-so-covert mole in Pakatan Rakyat, about where we can work together to move the Malay Agenda forward.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I want to thank my friend and partner of the last four years, America's happy warrior, the best vice president anybody could ever hope for, Joe Biden.]

NAJIB: I want to thank my friends and “Bad-Cops” of the last four years. First, the person who has made extreme and racist statements in public to appease our UMNO supporters so that I didn’t have to, the best Deputy Prime Minister anybody could ever hope for, Malay-First-Malaysian-Last Muhyiddin Yassin.

And Nazri Aziz, who kept talking like a complete idiot, to say some vague and useless things which doesn't cost me anything, that would make the non-Malays happy one day and then say other things to upset them the next day.

And not forgetting Idris Jala, the Minister of Bad News, who delivered all the gloomy news about cutting subsidies and the country going bankrupt so that none of the BN politicians had to. He was the only Minister telling the truth to the country so that none of us in the Cabinet had to.

Last but not least, also thanks to Zahid Hamidi and my useless cousin Hishamuddin Hussein for keeping their big fucking mouths shut for the past couple of years so that the non-Malays were not so annoyed like they were before 2008.

Without their cooperation to do all the dirty works for me, I would not have been able to look shake off my blood-thirsty, "defend Putrajaya with blood", UMNO-putra image to morph into a gentle reformist, the only Good Guy in government and enjoy the high popularity rating, to fool the stupid Indians and some Chinese to come back to BN.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: And I wouldn't be the man I am today without the woman who agreed to marry me 20 years ago.]

NAJIB: And I would have been the Prime Minister at least 10 years earlier without the woman who seduced me into marrying her 25 years ago.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Let me say this publicly: Michelle, I have never loved you more. I have never been prouder to watch the rest of America fall in love with you, too, as our nation's first lady.]

NAJIB: Let me say this publicly: Rosmah, I have never hated you more. I have never been more worried to watch the rest of Malaysia loathed and hated you, too, as our nation's self-proclaimed First Lady. I nearly lost the election because of your fat ass.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Sasha and Malia, before our very eyes you're growing up to become two strong, smart beautiful young women, just like your mom.]

NAJIB: My children, before our very eyes you're growing up to become experienced money-sucking vacuum cleaners, just like your mom.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: And I'm so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one dog's probably enough.]

NAJIB: And I'm so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one USD24 million ring and 20 luxury handbags are probably enough.

(LAUGHTER)

[Obama: To the best campaign team and volunteers in the history of politics...]

NAJIB: To the best Election Commission-NRD team and  Phantom-Voters-Manufacturers in the history of politics!!!

 (APPLAUSE)

[Obama: The best. The best ever. Some of you were new this time around, and some of you have been at my side since the very beginning.]

NAJIB: The best. The best ever. Some of you were new this time around, and some of you have been at UMNO’s side since the very beginning of Mahathir’s time.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But all of you are family. No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will carry the memory of the history we made together and you will have the life-long appreciation of a grateful president. Thank you for believing all the way, through every hill, through every valley.]

NAJIB: But all of you are family. No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will be haunted by the memories of the treasonous acts we did together and you will have the life-long appreciation of a grateful UMNO. Thank you for helping us to cheat all the way, through every IC, through every MyKad, through every ballot paper.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You lifted me up the whole way and I will always be grateful for everything that you've done and all the incredible work that you put in.]

NAJIB: You saved UMNO’s ass the whole way and I will always be grateful for every fake MyKad that you've issued and all the incredible Phantom Voters that you put on the Voters’ Register. But you lot should also be grateful that UMNO does not lose power because otherwise, your ass would also be shot by Pakatan Rakyat. We are in this together.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I know that political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. And that provides plenty of fodder for the cynics that tell us that politics is nothing more than a contest of egos or the domain of special interests. But if you ever get the chance to talk to folks who turned out at our rallies and crowded along a rope line in a high school gym, or saw folks working late in a campaign office in some tiny county far away from home, you'll discover something else.]

NAJIB: I know that political campaigns always cost a lot of money, even more than RM40 million per seat. And that provides plenty of fodder for the opposition that tell us that Malaysian elections are nothing more than a farce and a fraud, or the domain of money politics and vote buying. But if you ever get the chance to talk to folks who turned out at our ceramahs and election operation rooms to ask for money in exchange for their votes, or saw kampung folks looking so happy to receive some cheap freebies, you'll discover something else.

[Obama: You'll hear the determination in the voice of a young field organizer who's working his way through college and wants to make sure every child has that same opportunity.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the naivety of the stupid voters who don’t care about democracy and don’t even bother to ask why our country has gone down the drain, and wants to make sure every child of his has that same opportunity to live the third-world-lifestyle forever.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You'll hear the pride in the voice of a volunteer who's going door to door because her brother was finally hired when the local auto plant added another shift.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the gratitude in the voice of a poor farmer who's supporting all the polluting and dangerous industries because his children were finally hired as janitors of Lynas, even though in the end their wages for 10 lifetimes would not even be enough to cure their father’s cancer.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You'll hear the deep patriotism in the voice of a military spouse whose working the phones late at night to make sure that no one who fights for this country ever has to fight for a job or a roof over their head when they come home.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the deep patriotism in the voice of some naive non-Bumi military personnel who are stupidly proud of being a second class Malaysian citizen who can’t wait to die for his country to make sure, that every non-Bumi who fights for this country will still forever remain a Pendatang and second class citizen when they come home. 

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: That's why we do this. That's what politics can be. That's why elections matter. It's not small, it's big. It's important. Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy.]

NAJIB: That's why we do this. That's what Malay Agenda can be. That's why elections must be bought or stolen. It's not cheap, it's expensive. It's a pain in the ass. Democracy in a nation of 28 million can be noisy and messy and complicated if the people are given their liberty. We must not allow anyone to have his own opinion. Each of us has deeply held beliefs but only the Malay Agenda is allowed to be championed. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a party, it necessarily suppress civil liberties and minority rights, stirs up non-Bumi’s dissatisfactions.

[Obama: That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots like we did today.]

NAJIB: That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These privileges and special positions we have are a mark of our superiority as UMNO-putras. We can never forget that as we speak people in Kuala Lumpur are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to assemble peacefully, and the chance to cast their ballots like we successfully suppressed today.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America's future. We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers.]

NAJIB: But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for UMNO's future. We want our kids to grow up or get educated in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers, like America, Britain or Australia even though they are liberal, Christian democracies controlled by Jews.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow.]

NAJIB: A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in systematic, institutionalized discrimination against non-Muslims and electoral fraud and manipulation, with all the lucrative government projects and contracts that follow.

[Obama: We want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet.]

NAJIB: We want our children to live in a Malaysia that is burdened by ever increasing national debt and budget deficits so that one day we could join the ranks of advanced economies like Greece and Spain, that isn't weakened by equality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of an environmental movement.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: We want to pass on a country that's safe and respected and admired around the world, a nation that is defended by the strongest military on earth and the best troops this - this world has ever known.

NAJIB: We want to pass on a country that's backward and a laughing stock and sniggered at around the world, a nation that is defended by the best submarines ON EARTH and the most secure fighter jet engines this world has ever known.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But also a country that moves with confidence beyond this time of war, to shape a peace that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every human being. We believe in a generous America, in a compassionate America, in a tolerant America, open to the dreams of an immigrant's daughter who studies in our schools and pledges to our flag.]

NAJIB: But also a country that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every Bumiputra only. We believe in a generous government who gives out lucrative projects and contracts, in a compassionate UMNO towards its members, open to the dreams of a Pendatang's daughter so long as they and their posterity pledge to remain a second class citizen forever and ever and don’t demand any right or equal treatment with the Bumiputras, like what an ordinary human being anywhere else on earth would want to.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: To the furniture worker's child in North Carolina who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president - that's the future we hope for. That's the vision we share. That's where we need to go - forward.]

NAJIB: To the Indian estate worker's child in Perak who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president - that's the future we are scared of. That's the vision we must suppress. That's where we need to go – hold them back.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Tonight you voted for action, not politics as usual.]

NAJIB: Tonight you voted for Pakatan Rakyat, not UMNO’s politics as usual. But we don’t give a fuck because our Phantom Voters have saved us once again.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You elected us to focus on your jobs, not ours. And in the coming weeks and months, I am looking forward to reaching out and working with leaders of both parties to meet the challenges we can only solve together. Reducing our deficit. Reforming our tax code. Fixing our immigration system. Freeing ourselves from foreign oil. We've got more work to do.]

NAJIB: You elected us to focus on our jobs, not yours. And in the coming weeks and months, I am looking forward to reaching out and working with leaders of BN to meet the challenges by the Pakatan Rakyat we can only solve together. Increasing our deficit. Implementing Sales Tax. Reversing all the vote-buying political and economic liberalization reforms. Freeing ourselves from Chinese economic domination. Forever ban people from using Dataran Merdeka. We've got more work to do.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military in history, but that's not what makes us strong. Our university, our culture are all the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores.]

NAJIB: This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes UMNO rich. We have the most useless military in history, but that's not what makes us weak. Our university, our culture are all the pariah of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores to have a good laugh at our mess.

[Obama: What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the most diverse nation on earth.]

NAJIB: What makes Malaysia exceptional are the special privileges for Bumiputras and Never Ending Policy that forever split the most diverse nation on earth.

[Obama: The belief that our destiny is shared; that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations. The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for come with responsibilities as well as rights. And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism. That's what makes America great.]

NAJIB: The belief that our Bumiputra destiny is shared among Bumiputras alone; that this country only works when non-Bumis accept certain obligations to Bumiputras and to future generations of Bumiputras. The freedom which so many non-Bumis have fought for and died for come with responsibilities towards Bumiputras as well as necessary and permanent racial and religious discrimnation. And among those are Ketuanan Melayu and and Islamic supremacy and corruption and totalitarianism. That's what makes Malay Agenda great.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I am hopeful tonight because I've seen the spirit at work in America… I've seen it in the soldiers who reenlist after losing a limb and in those SEALs who charged up the stairs into darkness and danger because they knew there was a buddy behind them watching their back.]

NAJIB: I am hopeful tonight because I've seen the spirit at work in Malaysia… I've seen it in the non-Bumi soldiers who reenlist after being heavily discriminated against and despised at and called a Pendatang by UMNO, including by Zahid Hamidi, and in those patriotic non-Malay soldiers who charged up the stairs into darkness and danger because they knew there was a whole life of never-ending and complete discrimination and hatred by their own government behind them waiting for them if and when they do come back alive after fighting for Malaysia.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.]

NAJIB: I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. That is what I want the non-Bumis to believe, forever and ever. So that they will vote for BN elections after elections, keep hoping that each time we change Prime Minister they will get a better treatment, despite all the evidence to the contrary as proven by the 1999 election, when they saved Mahathir’s sorry arse (but nothing improved), and the 2004 election, when they helped give Abdullah 90% of the seats in Parliament (but also nothing improved). We will keep promising them so that they will keep hoping and hoping for the day that will never come. But if they cannot be persuaded to hope again, we can always remind them of May 13and threaten instability and chaos.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.]

NAJIB: America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the Bumiputras only. I believe we can keep the promise of our predecessors, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love so long as you are a Muslim. It doesn't matter whether you're yellow or brown or white or Burmese or Indon or Filipino or Arab or Pakistani or young or old or rich or quite rich, stupid or dumb, straight or straight, you can make it here in Malaysia so long as you look like a Malay or Arab and you're a true Bumiputra (and not the copycats called "Natives").

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Thank you, America. God bless you. God bless these United States.]

NAJIB: Thank you, Malaysia. God bless you. God bless these UMNO-putras.

(APPLAUSE)

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Bawang note: Political analysts predict that with the combination of electoral fraud and stupid and naive voters who keep hoping that Lucifer will be transformed into a Saint, UMNO will rule Malaysia for at least another 100 years. We congratulate Malaysians for getting what they deserve.

OMG - Juslo's Prophecy Came True!!

Stan: Oh my god, they plagiarized Juslo's fatwa!

Kyle: YOU MORONS!!

Taken without permission from Juslo's Seriously-Dude-I-Really-Didn't-Make-This-Up.com, copyright unprotected.

(31 June 2010, Johor Bahru) Semi-retired blogger Juslo has today threatened to sue the Johor Religious Council adviser Datuk Nooh Gadot and Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria for plagiarizing his fatwa, when they recently declared that the wearing of certain football jerseys, such as those of Manchester United and Barcelona, were forbidden in Islam. (see the press excerpt, below)

Juslo, who on November 25, 2008 already posted the much-ridiculed post, "Fatwa Bans Red Devils and Christian Clubs", said furiously at the press conference that: "I came up with this first! Therefore, they should at least properly acknowledge my authority in this field. Otherwise, this is plagiarism, and I'm gonna sue these a**holes!" He went on to bang the table repeatedly.

Juslo says: Respect my AUTHORITAH!!

Juslo added, "I don't mind people paying homage to my works, but at least they should not pass it off as if it was their own original ideas. You know, I can respect their constitutional right to stupidity, but they should also respect my authority, just like how they always talk about respecting the Malay Rulers, the position of Islam, and the special rights of Malays, blah blah blah. This is highly unethical. Since they claim to be religious men, they ought to be ashamed of themselves."

Juslo added that he now also expects the various newspapers like KOSMO! and Star to give him credit as the original creater of this fatwa. "If you guys are ethical journalists, you should do so, dudes!"

In that 2008 post, Juslo has already came up with the world's FIRST fatwa to say that Muslims should not be allowed to wear the jerseys of Barcelona and Manchester United. Although he did not name the jerseys of the national teams of Brazil, Portugal, Serbia, Barcelona and Norway (and England and Switzerland, by the way), he did named other famous European football clubs too, such as Real Madrid and AC Milan. (Datuk Nooh Gadot and Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria might want to take note. For the good of the Muslim youths, don't leave out any one of them god-damed infidel, sesat clubs!!)

Nevertheless, Juslo commended these 2 prominent Muslim intellectuals for always be on the lookout for ways to protect the stupid muslims of Malaysia. "Malaysian muslims would be lost and confused without these guardian angels. What would Malaysian muslims do without them? All praise and glory to God, and may God bless their intellect for decades to come," said Juslo, tears of gratitude in his eyes while touching his heart, and seemed geniunely touched.

Juslo, a part-time unemployed blogger who was banned by RPK because of minor differences of opinions, also felt relieved and vindicated. "Now, nobody can accuse me of spreading false news. Nobody can say I'm not qualified to talk about Islam (Malaysian style, at least) because even the highly respected ulamas like Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria and Datuk Nooh Gadot bloody stole my ideas. So now you know, all the things I've written are true - you just have to wait for the time to come, that's all."

Meanwhile, the Malaysian bloggerhood are worried about which other prophecies of Juslo would come true next. Ascot Sports has already been issued the very first and only betting license by the Prime Minister to put up bets of the following few prophecies coming true:

3/1 - Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong Declared a Muslim, Children ‘Disinherited’

5/1 - Use of ‘Bapa’ by Non-Malays Banned

8/1 - Malaysian Men Banned From Non-OIC Countries

8/1 - Parliamentary Votes by SMS Valid, says Court

The following are the reports showing how these unethical ulamas have plagiarized Juslo's fatwa:

Football jerseys Muslims should
not wear

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/7/19/nation/6689974&sec=nation
Monday July 19, 2010

KOSMO! carried a report about Muslims who wittingly or unwittingly wear football jerseys which display images of crosses, liquor brands and devils.

Johor Religious Council adviser Datuk Nooh Gadot said wearing such jerseys were forbidden in Islam.


“It is as if Muslims are worshipping and exalting the symbols of other religions. Islam does not compromise on this matter, regardless of whether it is worn for fun, fashion or sport,” he said.


Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria agreed with Nooh and said although Islam did not forbid its followers from participating in sports or dressing up, it has to be done within the boundaries of Islamic law.


Among the football teams whose crests carry images of the cross are Brazil, Portugal, Serbia, Barcelona and Norway, while Manchester United carries the “Red Devil” slogan on its team crest.

Haram pakai jersi lambang salib – Datuk Nooh
Gadot

http://www.rindok.com/blog/haram-pakai-jersi-lambang-salib-datuk-nooh-gadot/

Pemakaian jersi bola sepak atau sebarang pakaian yang memiliki lambang salib, jenama arak dan imej syaitan adalah haram hukumnya dan boleh menjurus kepada perbuatan syirik.

Penasihat Majlis Agama Islam Johor (MAIJ), Datuk Nooh Gadot berkata, perkara tersebut ditegah oleh Islam dan perbuatan mengabaikan hukum yang sudah jelas boleh membawa umat Islam ke arah syirik.

Beliau berkata, memakai baju seperti itu walau apapun alasannya menunjukkan umat Islam seolah-olah mengagung-agungkan dan memuliakan lambang agama lain.

“Semua mengetahui hukum ini dengan jelas, ia adalah haram dan jangan beri alasan untuk menghalalkan perkara tersebut.

“Dalam hal ini, Islam tidak ada kompromi sama ada ia dibuat atas nama hiburan, fesyen mahupun sukan,” ujarnya ketika dihubungi Kosmo! Ahad baru-baru ini.

Beliau mengulas trend menyarung jersi di kalangan remaja dan golongan dewasa masa kini yang secara terang-terangan memiliki lambang salib atau jenama arak di baju mereka.

Trend itu sudah agak lama berlaku di negara ini namun semakin popular semenjak demam Piala Dunia melanda bermula awal tahun ini.

Antara jersi pasukan negara atau kelab yang tertera lambang salib atau imej syaitan adalah Brazil, Portugal, Sweden dan Norway, Manchester United dan Barcelona.

Nada yang sama turut diluahkan oleh Mufti Perak, Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria.

Beliau berkata, perbuatan memakai baju seperti itu hanya menjurus ke arah dosa dan boleh mengakibatkan syirik kepada Allah.

Jelasnya, pakaian yang mempamerkan lambang agama lain mahupun mempunyai imej syaitan dan jenama arak dilihat seperti mengangkat martabat lambang itu lebih tinggi berbanding Islam.

Menurut Harussani, Islam tidak menghalang umatnya untuk berfesyen atau bersukan namun ia perlu dilakukan dalam ruang lingkup syarak seperti menutup
aurat dan tidak membazir.

Use of ‘Bapa’ by Non-Malays Banned

Some of the mentally challenged Malays teaching their kids how to be loving and tolerant

Juslo's Bawang

Friday, Feb 31, 2010, Kuala Lumpur – The Malaysian Government has just launched its “Protect 1Stupid Malaysia” Campaign today, which was officiated by the Prime Minster and attended by all the Malay leaders from the ruling party UMNO.

The Prime Minister launching his signature “Protect 1Stupid Malaysia” Campaign, with his wife and other UMNO leaders.

In his keynote address, the Prime Minister said:

“We all know that believing in Islam would make you stupid and vulnerable. (Some would say, ILLITERATE too – that’s why they couldn’t fucking tell that ‘Herald’ is actually a Catholic publication.) We also know that in Malaysia, by definition, all Muslims are also automatically Malays. That is why, the Malays/Muslims are a group of very easily confused people. So, the Government of Ketuanan Melayu has decided to launch this very important campaign to protect the stupid Malays of Malaysia.”

Under this campaign, apart from disagreeing with the court’s decision that the word ‘Allah’ could be used by non-Muslims (by appealing until the higher courts agree with the Government, as they are bound to), the Government will also ban the use of a few important words in the Malay language by non-Malays, so that eventually, the use of the Malay language in any way, shape or form by non-Malays would be banned altogether.

First off, the most popular word “Bapa” would be banned. The word means “father” in Malay. Based on our survey, English-speaking Westerners like to use the word “Papa” to refer to their fathers affectionately, and Chinese Malaysians also commonly use this word to call their fathers, albeit sounding more like “Baba”, “Aba” or just “Ba”. The PM explained that it is very important to ban the use of this word by non-Malays because:

“Let’s say a pious, highly educated Malay adult man with a highly successful professional career, walks on the street. Suddenly, he hears a little Chinese girl calls her Dad, “Baba”. Although this man is highly educated etc etc, to the Government he is STILL VERY STUPID (because as far as the Government is concerned, he is still a Malay), so he might suddenly become SOOOO confused and thought that the little Chinese girl’s Dad is actually his own “Bapa”!! How could a pious, good Malay call a kafir, Chinese pig “Bapa”?! We must never let this happen.

Not every father is a “Bapa”! So, non-Malays must not call their fathers “Bapa” or anything which remotely sound like that because we don’t want Malays to become confused about who are really their daddies. This would affect the supreme position of the stupid Malay fathers under the Malaysian Constitution and it is provocative to the stupid Malay fathers.

In the coming days, I shall ask all leaders of UMNO to suggest words which they think we should ban non-Malays in this country from using.”

Unbelievably Moronic Numbskull Organisms -- Proud Defenders of the rights of the Malay Race

All the Ministers from the UMNO party (Unbelievably Moronic Numbskull Organisms) fully support the PM’s new campaign.

Dato' Seri Hishammuddin Bin Tun Hussein, the PM’s cousin and a top-leader in both UMNO and the Malaysian Government, said that because this is Tanah Melayu (the ancestral land of the Malays), it is the right of the Malays in Malaysia to do whatever they like including to be stupid, and to FORCE OTHERS TO CHANGE their own cultures and methods of worship, in order to respect the Malays' right to stupidity. He said that he is willing to pull out his keris (the traditional Malay sword) to defend this right.

Not surprisingly, his suggested word for banning is “keris”, so that Malay men do not confuse it with “kiss” when it is time to do battle with the non-Malays who challenge this right to stupidity. "Bunuh kafir itu dengan keris (kill that infidel bastard with a keris)!!" might be misunderstood as "kill that infidel bastard with a kiss!!", he explained.

Hisham -- Kissing the Keris but not confused about Keris and Kiss

Dato' Seri Dr. Ahmad Zahid Bin Hamidi, a top-leader in both UMNO and the Malaysian Government, said that just because a Malay is not blind, can read, and can recognise his/her own father, let’s not forget that Malays tend to become stupid whenever they are exposed to non-Malay cultures. Whenever they come into contact with non-Malays, all of a sudden, their world became very confusing - because, according to Zahid, non-Malays are always out to use every means at their disposal to confuse the Malays. (But he did not elaborate on why he thought this was the case.)

That is why, it is the mission of UMNO to protect these Malays so that they can choose to continue to live like idiots, and also because it is only by continuing to make them idiots that they will continue to support and depend on UMNO. “It is a win-win situation. If your people are stupid, it is your job as a leader to keep them that way, not to reason with them or to make them smarter,” he added.

Zahid -- One of the brainiest leaders of his generation, extremely fluent in English

In fact, being one of the more brainy ones in UMNO, Zahid’s goal is more ambitious. He figured that by banning the use of certain words by non-Malays, non-Malays will ultimately also lose the use of that word, therefore becoming as stupid as the Malays too. So, He suggested that the word “Enjin” be banned from non-Malay use, so that non-Malays (whom UMNO accuse as forming the majority of the opposition politicians) would stop questioning the Government and him about the embarrassing theft of the 2 fighter jet engines from the country's top security air force base (which occurred when the current stupid Malay PM was the Defence Minister).

(However, he later withdrew the suggestion and aborted the interview immediately after being told by his aide that actually, the word “enjin” was a word borrowed from English.)

Meanwhile, Dato' Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, the top woman leader of UMNO, became immediately hysterical -- in the true UMNO tradition -- when she was asked to comment. “A lot of stupid Malay mums have called my organization to ask what more could they do to protect their stupid children from becoming very confused. We are going to meet whoever we can meet to make sure that Malays don’t get confused about whether they are actually stupid or not. If need be, we will apply to meet the King,” she said in a statement.

Sharizat -- The Agong is our Agony Uncle

Naturally, being the top female Malay leader, she proposed the ban of the word “Mak” (meaning ‘mother’, in Malay language) as the obvious next step to the ban of “Bapa”. “If we don’t want stupid Malays to get confused about who are their fathers, surely we do not want them to get confused about who are their mothers either. In fact, I think, avoiding confusion about “Mak” is more important than not confusing “Bapa”, because nowadays, rich and powerful Malay men usually become very horny when they get older, so it is very common to have more than 1 “Mak” in a household, which can get very confusing for the kids.”

Finally, Datuk Seri Syed Hamid bin Syed Jaafar Albar, the ex-Minister who started all these controversies by imposing the ban of the non-Muslims’ use of the word ‘Allah’ even though non-Muslims in the country had been using it for hundreds of years even before Malaysia was born, said that the God-given right of Malays to act and talk like idiots and the Malay Rulers' role to protect the idiocy of the Malays was enshrined in the Constitution. Therefore, those who dare to question it should be immediately detained without trial for up to 2 years under the country’s Internal Security Act – for their own ‘protection’.

Syed Hamid -- His wisdom sent him into Happy Retirement

He suggested that the Malay word “Bodoh” (meaning ‘stupid’, in Malay language) should be banned from non-Malay use, because the word has now become too commonly used by non-Malays to call someone ‘stupid’ in an affectionate or joking way, such as "Eh, Bodoh lah you!" and do not mean it seriously. Therefore, Malays might get ‘confused’ and think that the person who is being called ‘Bodoh’ is seriously stupid, instead of only jokingly so.

“Because Malays are so stupid, they can’t tell if someone is joking or not. The pre-requisite to appreciating humour/have a sense of humour is intelligence, which unfortunately most Malays in UMNO and their ilk sadly lack,” he said, perhaps meant as an advice to the author of this post?

Fatwa Bans Red Devils and Christian Clubs

UPDATE - PLAGIARISM ALERT!!
This post has been PLAGIARIZED by unethical, slim-ball ulamas!!

Juslo's Bawang

(KUALA LUMPUR, 31 Nov 2008) In line with its role and mandate to protect the country’s stupid and vulnerable Muslims, Malaysia’s top Islamic body today ruled against Muslims supporting Manchester United Football Club as well as a host of other European football clubs, saying they have elements of evil and other religions that could corrupt the highly fragile Muslims.


The National Fatwa Council's edict said that supporting such football clubs involves not just physical activities or being a couch potato, but also includes Satanic or Christian spiritual elements, chanting and worship.

"It is inappropriate. It can destroy the faith of a Muslim, who are by definition stupid and vulnerable," council chairman Professor Tan Sri Dato’ Seri Dr Sheikh Abdul Shukor Husin told reporters. He noted that clerics in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan had issued a similar edict in 2008 that called the support of such European football clubs "an aberration."

Recently, the council issued an edict banning yoga and tomboys, ruling that yoga is Hinduism’s secret weapon to bring Malaysian Muslims back to their ancestors’ kafir roots (the earliest recorded religions in the Malay archipelago were Hinduism and Buddhism, before the spread of Islam to the region), while girls who act like boys violate the tenets of Islam. The fatwa council took up the football club issue after an infidel blogger, Juslo, last week criticised the council’s ban on yoga and tomboys as further evidence of the oppression of Muslim women in the name of Islam, and dared the council to take on the male Muslims instead.


SYAITAN MERAH

The fatwa explained that the reason why Manchester United is banned is because of its nickname, RED DEVIL or “Syaitan Merah”. The council chairman elaborated, “In other words, those who support or worship Manchester United players are basically worshipping the Satan. World famous Man U players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs are actually the incarnations of the Devil himself.”

When asked whether the fatwa has exaggerated the significance of a mere nickname, the council chairman denied and pointed to an additional proof: the emblem of Manchester United, where it clearly shows a Devil-like creature holding a Devil’s ‘fork’. Therefore, according to the council chairman, anybody who wears or uses Man U T-shirts or merchandise is basically carrying around the Devil with them all the time.

“Only Satan-worshippers would walk around proudly displaying the symbol of Satan. God-fearing Muslims would not associate themselves with the Devil, whether Red or Black or whatever. Also, the way they cheer and chant in the stadium in order to frighten their opponents (or in front of giant TV screens in mamak stalls everywhere) is Satan’s way of leading the Muslims astray because the cheering and chanting of Red Devils shows that they are loyal to God’s enemy."

"Instead of spending all their energy to shout “Allahu Akhbar” during their weekly after-Friday-prayer demonstrations against cartoons and infidel oppressors in front of the US Embassy and British High Commission, or against freedom of religion and speech in front of the Bar Council, they now reserve their energies "for Saturday" in order to cheer the Red Devils who carry clearly infidel names such as Cristiano, Carlos, Paul and Michael. Man U supporters therefore incur God’s wrath at least on a weekly basis. They will definitely go to hell.”

The shares of Manchester United traded on the London Stock Exchange fell 50% on the release of such a landmark fatwa by 1 of the world’s most influential and respected intellectual heavyweight institutions, Malaysia’s National Fatwa Council. On the other hand, shares of Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool Football Clubs jumped at least 25% each as analysts predict that most Muslim supporters of Man U would switch their allegiance to these 3 fierce rivals of Man U.

The Man U management has already convened an emergency board meeting to discuss whether to accommodate their Muslim supporters by changing the Club’s famous emblem and nickname. The meeting has not ended as of press time, after 5 hours of continuous deliberation. Options being considered are: changing the nickname to ‘Red Angels’, let the creature in the emblem wear a songkok or skull cap, or simply changing the Club’s name to “Mujaheeden United”.


KELAB-KELAB SALIB

However, Manchester United is not the only European football club affected. The fatwa also ruled that it is haram for Muslims to support the following football clubs (more to come) as they are deemed to be the “new armies of Christian Crusaders” who try to penetrate the hearts and minds of Muslim youths around the world by disguising as football clubs and turn all Muslim football fans into Christians simply by seducing them to wear or use their Christian merchandise. The reason is obvious and needs no elaboration: the presence of a Salib (Christian Cross) in each of the emblem of these clubs!!

AC Milan, a Christian Club.

(Don't tell me you idiots can't fucking see that HUGE cross, even if you are illiterate!)

Barcelona, also a Christian Club.

(Duh!!)

Real Madrid, definitely a Christian Crusaders' Club.

(Can't you morons fucking see that TINY cross on top of the Crusader's crown?? Don't you motherfuckers remember which country started the SPANISH Inquisition??)

How such obvious signs of Christian Crusader agenda has escaped the attention of the defenders of Islam around the world for so long is indeed puzzling.

The National Fatwa Council is also due to publish a list of “Kelab-Kelab yang ditanggung Halal” (Religiously Permissible Football Clubs) next week for Muslim football fans to choose from. Sources have indicated that little known Middle-eastern football clubs from Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Turkey and even Shiite Iran are expected to top the list. However, NONE of the clubs from Malaysia's professional football clubs from the Super League and Premier League is expected to be recommended to avoid further embarrassment to Malaysia.

A non-Muslim reporter asked whether the National Fatwa Council is insulting the intelligence of Muslim football fans in banning these European clubs because it basically suggests that Muslim football fans are too fucking stupid to tell whether they are only engaging in sporting activities and not religious worship; or that they are too fucking blur to tell whether they are at a football stadium or watching the match on the god damn TV on 1 hand, or praying at a mosque or church on the other hand.

The council chairman immediately retorted that infidels have no business questioning Muslim affairs, politely suggested the reporter to fuck off and then threatened to lodge a police report against that reporter immediately for disrespecting the Malay Rulers, the position of Islam, the Federal Constitution and inciting racial hatred. The chairman also gave that reporter a short lecture on “watch out for ISA, read your history and remember the Social Contract" blah blah blah (you know, the usual tirade used by Malay ultras to avoid intelligent debates) before abruptly changing the subject to tomboys and lesbians after he was told that the infidel reporter was actually a non-Malaysian journalist from Reuters.


JIHAD BOLA SEPAK

Meanwhile, to counter the increasing influence of Satan and the Crusaders over the hearts and minds of Muslim youths all over the world, the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar University, Egypt, has called on the Rulers of the oil-rich Gulf states to do an “Ibrahimovic” by buying up popular European football clubs with heavy Christian traditions and change them to become more ‘Islamic’ so that Muslims can wholeheartedly engage in healthy sporting activities without worrying about being led astray.

“Oh, those who believe! Turn AC Milan into AC Mullah, change Real Madrid into Real Medina! Remove the crosses and bring in the moon! Use your endowment (oil money) wisely in the way of Jihad, and your fight for the souls of your Muslim brothers shall be rewarded hereafter!”

The Grand Imam made the above call to these Rulers in his latest Friday sermon.

Meanwhile, back in Malaysia, immature and no-sense-of-humour Muslim readers of Juslo’s blog are expected to label Juslo as anti-Islam, rather than of trying to use their fucking brain cells to see just how ridiculous and childish this so-called ‘Islamisation’ nonsense has become. However, it really makes you wonder how is it possible that these geniuses still haven’t thought of the bloody obvious and come up with a fatwa to ban Man U yet, so that we infidels don’t have to fight so hard for tables at the mamak stalls every Saturday night and during Champions League matches. Totalitarianism is only for picking on women and soft targets, perhaps?

Politik baru Datuk Chamil Wariya

Yo yo Malaysia, wassup?!!!

Look, people, recently I’m sort of tired of writing news and commentaries on current affairs like a responsible journalist, so I decided to try my hands at literature (I mean REAL literature, fit for a Nobel nomination), after reading this highly inspiring, original and sophisticated piece at Malaysia’s most respected, mature and responsible daily newspaper, Utusan Malaysia.

The parts which I have made “bold” are places where I have tried to be original. I've also added some commentaries (in red) at the most important parts of the plots for those Malaysian TRAITORS out there who don't know our Bahasa Kebangsaan well enough to read through the whole piece.

So, enjoy, and tell me what you think… I hope you would be kind because it's my first shot at writing literature/cerpen!!

(Needless to say, all these are pure fiction. No incitement for violence, murder or racial hatred intended!! Readers' intelligence required. Parental guidance needed for Utusan Malaysia readers.)

Wish all of you in Malaysia a Molotov-free week!!

Politik baru DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA

Juslo punya Sastera/ Cerpen


PAGI itu resah DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, yang lebih mesra dengan panggilan DATUK C sukar dikawal. Sepanjang perjalanan menuju ke Dewan Perhimpunan Warga Mayu di ibu kota, fikirannya terganggu. Tuduhan bahawa dia anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India dan anti-bukan Islam sungguh-sungguh menghantui perasaannya sejak malam tadi lagi. Entah mengapa baru sekarang dia begitu, dia sendiri tidak tahu. Dia juga tidak pasti sama ada pemandunya, Ah Kow, menyedari gelora jiwanya ketika itu. Kalau dia tahu pun, peduli apa, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA berbisik sendirian.

Pemandu itu memang sedia maklum pendirian politiknya tentang kepentingan kaumnya vis a vis orang bukan Melayu. Dan dia tahu Ah Kow menghormati pendiriannya, walaupun dilihat anti-bukan Melayu, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India sebagai hak asasi tinggal dalam sebuah negara demokrasi. Bukankah kebebasan asasi itu dijamin oleh Perkara 5 hingga Perkara 13 Perlembagaan Persekutuan. Tetapi DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akui demokrasi ada yang tidak sempurna dan kerap disalahgunakan oleh pihak yang berkuasa, khususnya surat khabar “Ulat Malaysia”. Tetapi hakikat itu tidak menghalang rakyat menempatkan pembangkang di Dewan Rakyat. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA adalah salah seorang daripadanya.

Ah, tudahan dia anti-bukan Melayu, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India, dan anti-bukan Islam tuduhan yang melulu bentak DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA seolah-olah mahu menyedapkan dirinya.. Ia juga tuduhan yang tidak berasas, hati kecilnya bersuara lagi. Dia meyakinkan dirinya bahawa kenyataan kenyataan yang dibuatnya atas nama satu kaum untuk memperjuangkan kepentingan kaumnya, bukan sesuatu yang rasis. Muslim Brotherhood, organisasi hak asasi antarabangsa akan menyetujuinya. Begitu juga dengan Saudi Arabia. Perdana Menteri dan seluruh Kabinet Barisan Nasioinal pun tidak pernah menganggapnya rasis. Yang menganggapnya rasis hanya orang bukan Melayu di dalam Parti Orang Bukan Melayu (POBM).

“Aku juga bukan anti-bukan Islam. Aku bukan anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India,” pujuk hati DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA yang sudah dua penggal bergelar YB itu, mewakili Parti Rasis Ketuanan Melayu. Parti itu dianggotainya sejak berada di kampus lagi, walaupun Akta Universiti dan Kolej Universiti melarang para siswa membabitkan diri secara langsung dalam mana-mana organisasi siasah. (Walaubagaimanapun, beliau tidak pernah menjadi seorang wartawan atau penulis sastra sepanjang hayat beliau oleh kerana pendiriannya yang anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech).) Lagi pun penguatkuasaan undang-undang itu sekadar melepas batuk di tangga. Lebih dari itu, ia adalah satu lagi undang-undang lapuk, kata DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA.

Kata hatinya lagi: “Aku sekadar memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum aku, sama seperti pemimpin bukan Melayu dalam POBM memperjuangkan kepentingan bangsanya, sama seperti pemimpin Parti Orang Kafir (POKAF) berjuang untuk bangsa menggunakan wajah bukan Islamnya.”

Malah DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA berasakan kelantangannya memperjuangkan kepentingan kaumnya itulah yang telah membantunya menang kali kedua kerusi Parlimennya. Kali ini dengan majoriti yang lebih besar lagi. Apa yang membanggakan dia adalah perjuangan yang dianggap anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India dan anti-bukan Islam itu kini turut disokong pengundi-pengundi bukan Melayu di kawasan pilihan rayanya itu. Pada mulanya dia sendiri terkejut apabila dimaklumkan sebahagian besar pengundi bukan Melayu yang merupakan 20 peratus keseluruhan pemilihan berdaftar dalam kawasan Parlimen Alam Maya telah memangkahnya.

Ini satu perkembangan luar biasa. Tidak mungkin mereka menyokong aku, bisik hatinya. Tetapi apabila dimaklumkan oleh para pekerja parti bahawa pengundi bukan Melayu di semua peti undi telah beralih arah mendokongnya, dia menerimanya dengan fikiran terbuka. Baguslah kalau orang bukan Melayu menerima perjuangan Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Barunya.

Tidak puas hati bermonolog dengan perasaannya, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA secara spontan berpaling kepada Ah Kow, pemandunya yang sejak tadi tekun dengan tugasnya.

“Kamu fakir saya anti-bukan Islam, anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India?”

Pertanyaan

Ah Kow yang sudah menghampiri usia bersara itu tidak menjawab, seolah-olah dia tidak mendengar pertanyaan itu. Matanya tertumpu ke jalan raya. Tugasnya adalah untuk mempastikan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA selamat ke majlis yang ingin dihadirinya. Dan tiba tepat pada waktunya. Majlis itu penting kerana DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akan mengadakan dialog dengan generasi muda seketurunan dengannya yang belajar di luar negara tetapi kebetulan berada di tanah air kerana bercuti. Ah Kow sendiri tidak pasti sama ada pelajar yang pernah mempersendakan lagu Negara Ku sewaktu menuntut di sebuah universiti di Seberang Laut turut berada dalam kelompok itu. Kalau pun ada, pemandu DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tidak ambil pusing. Budak itu memang kurang ajar. Ada ke patut Malaysia dianggap sebagai Negara Tanah Melayu Islamiah Ultra (ejaan Inggerisnya ‘Nazi’) yang bermaksud rasis. Dan kreativiti digunakan untuk menghalalkan perbuatan biadapnya itu. Cuma Ah Kow berfikir kalau semua orang dibiarkan menghina lagu Kebangsaan dengan lirik yang memperlekehkan kehidupan orang bukan Islam, dan atas nama kreativiti, maka kesannya terhadap perhubungan kaum adalah negatif.

Ah Kow tidak tahu apakah yang sebenarnya mengganggu bosnya itu sejak dari tadi lagi. Dia jarang begitu. Ah Kow dapat mengesan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA lain macam sahaja pagi itu. Dia dapat membaca keresahan dan kegelisahan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Seolah-olah ada sesuatu yang tidak kena walaupun apa yang sebenarnya berkocak di dalam diri DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dia tidak pasti. Sepanjang ingatan Ah Kow, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA juga tidak pernah berbual dengannya tentang politik, apa lagi tentang isu-isu semasa - kecuali memberi arahan yang ada kaitan dengan perjalanan atau jadual kerja. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA juga tidak bertanya sama ada dia mengundi POBM atau parti apa pada pilihan raya yang lalu.

Lazimnya, sepanjang perjalanan, baik ke pejabat atau majlis-majlis rasmi dan tidak rasmi yang lain, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA akan menghabiskan masa membaca akhbar atau membelek-belek fail. Tetapi pagi itu DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA lain macam sahaja. Dia kelihatan resah. Gelisah. Fikirannya juga seolah-olah tidak menentu. Apa yang dibuat serba tak kena. Sekejap dia membelek ucapan utama yang akan disampaikan sebentar lagi menghuraikan gagasan Politik Baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Baru yang dipeloporinya. Sekejap dia membelek akhbar-akhbar yang memang menemani DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ke mana juga dia pergi.

Ah Kow cuba mencongak mungkin keresahan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ada kaitan dengan suhu politik negara sedang panas ketika itu. Bahangnya terasa di mana-mana. POBM sendiri sedang menghadapi pergolakan yang hebat berkait dengan kepimpinannya. Pertarungan kepentingan puak-puak di dalam parti sedang mengambil tempatnya. Kalaulah tidak kerana kedudukan politik kerajaan agak lemah selepas kehilangan majoriti dua pertiga, sudah lama Operasi Lancau, seperti yang pernah dibuat pada 1978, dilaksanakan, agaknya. Mungkin juga tidak kerana di bawah kepimpinan sekarang, kerajaan mengambil sikap yang lebih liberal terhadap para pengkritiknya.

Ah Kow juga terfikir mungkin perasaan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA terganggu dengan tindakan kalangan yang tidak diketahui siapa mereka melempar bom petrol ke rumah keluarga ahli Parlimen Sepohon Beringin, Su Lan. Barangkali, fikir Ah Kow, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, bimbang kejadian yang sama boleh menimpa diri atau keluarganya.

Mana tahu selepas keluarga Su Lan, musuhnya DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA pula yang menjadi mangsa. Dan yang dilempar itu bom betul-betul. Meletup pula. Tidakkah nahas DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Sekonyong-konyong Ah Kow terbayang kejadian letupan bom berani mati yang berlaku di Damsyik, Syria yang ditonton menerusi Buletin Utama di TV3 beberapa hari lalu. Kalau kejadian yang sudah menghiasi kehidupan harian di Iraq, Israel, Tebing Barat, Gaza atau Afghanistan itu menular di negara ini, alangkah malangnya bumi bertuah ini. Minta disimpang malaikat 44, Ah Kow berkata sendirian di dalam hatinya.

Tetapi fikir Ah Kow, amaran kalau tidak diendahkan berbahaya. Dia teringat apa yang diceritakan berlaku pada 31 Mei 1996. Bapanya menceritakan dalam tragedi selepas pilihan raya umum pada 30 Mei itu, orang bukan Cina dan bukan Melayu berbunuh-bunuhan. Perjuangan yang mahu menafikan hak-hak tidak istimewa orang bukan Melayu dan kaum bukan bumiputera lain yang tidak dijamin oleh Perlembagaan Persekutuan, tidak dapat diterima oleh mereka. Kata-kata kesat dan menghina orang bukan Melayu oleh para penyokong parti-parti pembangkang sewaktu berarak meraikan kemenangan besar di Kuala Longkang dan bandar-bandar utama lain pada pilihan raya 1996 itu tidak dapat ditelan oleh orang bukan Melayu. Parang yang terbiar tumpul selama ini diasah tajam. Dalam keadaan itu tercetuslah pergaduhan yang dahsyat menyebabkan Parlimen digantung dan pemerintahan darurat diisytiharkan. Negara diletakkan di bawah perintah berkurung. Ah Kow sendiri belum lahir ketika itu. Tidak lama selepas itu, peralihan kuasa berlaku daripada Tunku Ahmad Rahman kepada timbalannya, Tun AhmadRazak. Namun demikian, ia telah disahkan oleh rekod-rekod sejarah bahawa sebab sebenarnya peristiwa 31 Mei 1996 berlaku adalah akibat konspirasi ahli-ahli politik Parti Rasis Ketuanan Melayu yang ingin merampas kuasa, dan disokong dengan sepenuhnya oleh editor-editor dan wartawan-wartawan rasis di surat khabar “Ulat Malaysia”.

“Kow, saya ni anti-bukan Islam dan anti-Kebebasan Bersuara (Freedom of Speech), anti-Minoriti, anti-Buddhist, anti-Kristian, anti-Cina, anti-India ke?,” DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA secara mendadak mengulang semula pertanyaannya apabila tiada jawapan daripada pemandunya.

Ah Kow, yang sejak tadi membisu seribu bahasa selamba menjawab: “Mungkin tidak YB.” Dia memberi jawapan berlapik. Maksudnya: Mungkin tidak, mungkin ya bergantung pada mata yang menilai.

“Apa maksud kamu mungkin tidak.”

" Ini soal persepsi YB. Persepsinya begitulah. Hakikatnya DATUK tidak membenci bukan Melayu tidak juga membenci bukan Islam. DATUK sekadar memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum YB. Tidak salah DATUK berbuat demikian. Kalau DATUK tidak memperjuangkan kepentingan kaum DATUK sendiri, siapa lagi. Tetapi cara DATUK itu barangkali disalahertikannya.”

“Maksud kamu?" Tanya DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA yang masih belum jelas lagi.

Bergantung

“Yalah, ia bergantung pada mata yang memandang. Bukan sahaja di kalangan orang bukan Melayu, tetapi di kalangan bukan bukan Melayu. DATUK kena ingat di kalangan bukan bukan Melayu pun bukan semuanya menerima politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru YB. Kalau tidak masakan parti satu kaum seperti Parti Orang Cina Babi (POCB) masih boleh bertahan.”

“Apa maksud kamu. Saya tidak begitu jelas?"

“Yalah bagi DATUK perjuangan DATUK adalah anti-pelbagai kaum. Tetapi dalam tindak tanduk, perjuangan anti-pelbagai kaum DATUK itu tidak tertonjol. DATUK mahu menghapuskan tulisan bukan jawi dan ganti dengan tulisan Melayu. Bagi mereka itu bukan perjuangan bukan pelbagai kaum. Ia perjuangan pelbagai kaum. Kalau benar bukan pelbagai kaum, DATUK patut menghapuskan tulisan jawi.” Ah Kow memberanikan diri untuk memberikan pandangannya.

Mengesan bosnya ingin mendengar pandangannya lagi, Ah Kow berkata: “Patutnya kalau DATUK benar-benar ingin menjadi pejuang bukan pelbagai kaum, kepentingan orang bukan Melayu harus diketepikan sewaktu mengetengahkan kepentingan kaum Melayu. DATUK perjuangkan kepentingan satu sahaja. Penerimaannya saya pasti berbeza. DATUK akan dilihat sebagai tidak mahu menjaga kepentingan kaum YB, tetapi pada waktu yang sama menafikan hak orang bukan Melayu.”

(nota Juslo: sorry, I became a little confused myself, hehe... corrections welcomed!)

Itu perjuangan POBM dan POCB, dengus DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA di dalam hatinya. Bosan aku dengan Si Ah Kow ini, dia berkata sendirian. Aku penganjur politik Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru dan tidak mahu terikat dengan kerangka politik lama, katanya lagi kepada dirinya.

Perbualan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dengan pemandunya habis di situ sahaja. Dia tidak mahu lagi mendengar pandangan karut pemandunya. Dia mahu terus melayan perasaan: Aku percaya pada Politik Baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra Baru, tegas DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA pada dirinya. Setiap warganegara, tanpa mengira apa keturunan mereka patut diberi hak yang lebih rendah daripada orang Melayu mengikut undang-undang yang mempertahankan Ketuanan Melayu Ultra. Tidak ada bangsa yang patut diberi layanan istimewa yang setaraf dengan orang Melayu. Tidak ada warga yang patut diberi darjat atau kelas kedua kecuali orang bukan Melayu. Kita semua orang Malaysia tetapi bukan semuanya orang Melayu.

DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA enggan melayan Ah Kow lagi. Sebaliknya, dia membelek akhbar “Ulat Malaysia” yang secara rasmi menyokong dan disokong oleh partinya. Perhatiannya tertumpu pada artikel berjudul Jangan Padam Rekod Negara yang ditulis oleh seorang generasi muda Cina yang menolak tesis politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra baru.

Ah, satu lagi propaganda yang memperlekehkan kaum aku, dengus hati DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Jangan-jangan yang menulis artikel ini orang bukan Melayu. Mereka masih menganggap kaum aku sebagai berketurunan bukan istimewa. Tidak guna punya generasi baru. Dengus DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Bisik hatinya lagi: Betullah dulu nenek moyang mereka berhijrah ke bumi bertuah ini untuk mencari kekayaan, membebaskan diri mereka daripada kemiskinan dan keperitan hidup di China. Itu dulu. Generasi Cina sekarang sudah menjadi warganegara Malaysia dan mereka kemudian meminta dilayan seperti warganegara Malaysia. Ini langsung tidak boleh diterima.

Dikejutkan

Sedang DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA asyik dengan lamunannya, dia dikejutkan dengan suara pemandunya yang memaklumkan, “Kita sudah sampai YB.”

Menunggu dia di luar ialah para penganjur dialog yang bakal berlangsung. Salah seorang daripada mereka membuka pintu kereta DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, bersalaman dengannya dan memperkenalkannya dengan ahli jawatankuasa penganjur yang lain. Diiringi oleh mereka, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dibawa ke pentas. Menurut kiraannya ada 500 orang di dalam dewan pagi itu. Dia bangga dengan kehadiran begitu ramai anak bangsanya yang ingin bertemu dengannya. Apa yang lebih membanggakan DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA ialah mereka belajar luar negara bukan dengan biayai sendiri, degan bantuan sepenuh kerajaan.

Selepas ucapan-ucapan aluan oleh pengerusi penganjur selesai, DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dijemput untuk memberi ucapannya. Inilah detik-detik yang ditunggu-tunggu oleh DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Gagasan politik baru Ketuanan Melayu Ultra barunya akan dihebahkan kepada dunia bebas. Dia teringat buku Dr Mahathir yang berjudul “8 Mac The Day Malaysian Made a Huge Mistake (But Not As Huge As When They Re-Elected My BN in those 23 years).” Momentum rakyat Malaysia atau lebih tepat lagi warga bukan bukan Melayu Malaysia yang sudah jaga dari lena itu mesti ditingkatkan. Pagi itu dia berazam untuk berbuat demikian.

Tetapi tanpa diketahui oleh DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA, di kalangan 500 orang generasi muda yang hadir pada pagi itu ada yang tidak setuju dengan pandangan politiknya itu. Salah seorang daripada mereka berazam untuk membetulkan penyimpangan politik DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dengan caranya yang tidak begitu tersendiri - dia akan meniru cara-cara lama yang telanpun digunakan ke atas Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Malcom X, Martin Luther King, dan sebagainya.

Apabila DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA bangun untuk menuju ke rostrum ucapan, seorang anak muda dari belakang pentas berjalan tenang menuju ke arahnya. DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tersenyum kepadanya. Dia menyangka anak muda seketurunan dengannya ingin mengiringinya ke rostrum atau bersalaman dengannya.

DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA menghulurkan tangan. Tiba-tiba DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA tergaman dan berdiri kaku. Dia tidak percaya dengan apa yang dilihatnya. Tergenggam erat pada tangan anak muda yang seolah-olah mahu membalas salam tangan yang dihulur itu ialah sepucuk pistol jenis Revolver yang betul-betul diajukan ke arah dada DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA.

Tanpa berkata apa-apa, anak muda itu melepaskan beberapa das tembakan. Salah satu daripadanya tepat mengenai jantung DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA. Dia rebah ke lantai.

(nota Juslo lagi: for those who are illetrate in Bahasa Melayu, this is the part where the Member of Parliament got shot with a gun and fell to the floor. Of course he DIED!! Be patient, see below...)

Para hadirin menjadi panik. Mereka yang berada di atas pentas turut tergamam melihat apa yang berlaku. Kejadian menjadi hiruk-pikuk dan tidak terkawal. Pihak penganjur yang tidak menduga kejadian malang itu berlaku, tidak tahu berbuat apa-apa. Beberapa orang anggota polis berpakaian preman yang menjadi tetamu yang tidak diundang dalam majlis itu, meluru ke arah pentas. Rakan-rakan mereka yang berpakaian seragam yang berkawal di luar juga bergegas masuk ke dewan.

Tetapi belum sempat mereka berbuat apa-apa, kedengaran beberapa das tembakan lagi. Kali ini yang rebah adalah anak muda itu sendiri.

(nota Juslo sekali lagi: now, this is the part where the assasin shot himself. Of course he has to - otherwise, how could be become a MARTYR and get 72 virgins?? But seriously, this is an important development in the plot, because it allows the author (that's ME, of course) to end with the dramatic 'suicide note', below...)

Apabila pihak polis tiba di tempat kejadian, kedua-dua mereka - DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA dan anak muda yang berpakaian kemas itu, sudah tidak lagi bernyawa.

(nota Juslo sekali lagi-lagi: this is the part where both of them are confirmed dead.)

Sewaktu pemeriksaan dibuat ke atas mayat anak muda yang tidak dikenali itu, terselit sehelai nota yang ditaip rapi, ditulis dalam bahasa Kebangsaan.

(nota Juslo: this is the part where the author tells you (in case you still haven't got the drift) that all these were pre-planned. the assasin even 'neatly' (rapi) pre-typed the suicide note.)

Ia berbunyi: DATUK CHAMIL WARIYA adalah ancaman terhadap keharmonian. Lebih baik riwayatnya ditamatkan supaya masyarakat berbilang kaum boleh tinggal aman damai di negara bertuah ini. Saya berkorban untuk masa depan.

Habis (THE END. To be continued with more rubbish at the juvenille section of "Ulat Malaysia")

Don't forget to nominate me for next year's Nobel!!

p/s: I wonder how does RUBBING one's own medicine at one's OWN FACE taste like...? Must be fun! (Sorry if you get the impression that this is only a cheap intimidation of another great work of literature. A great imitation of a piece of cheap, trashy writing is still cheap, no matter how hard you try...)