Malaysian Men Banned From Non-OIC Countries

Juslo's Satire (Used without permission)


EMERGENCY UPDATE on 24 June 2008:
ONIC has issued travel advisory to the citizens all member states against travelling to the Northern Malaysian city of Kota Baharu. The ONIC Secretary General's Office says that the DEPTH OF PERVERSION AND DEPRAVITY of all men (or wolves???) living in that city has reached an 'extremely critical level' because in addition to being aroused by school uniforms (which is a national phenomenon not restricted to that city), men in Kota Baharu will also lose control of their sexual desire by the sight of lipstick and high heel shoes as well. It is believed that "incidents like rape and illicit sex" would befall any female wearing lipstick and high heel shoes.
The Malaysian Tourism Minister responded that "I could assure you, from my personal experience, that the women of Kota Baharu are delicioius, voluptuous, sexy and seductive enough without wearing lipstick and high heel shoes. This is to keep our men from losing their mind and self-control."


(Miami, Florida, USA, Friday, 31 June 2008) At the First Emergency Summit of the Organization of Non-Islamic Conference countries (ONIC) held here today, the ONIC have unanimously resolved that all Malaysian males who have attained the age of puberty be banned, with immediate effect, from travelling to their respective countries. All visas already granted to such Malaysian males are also automatically revoked with immediate effect. This issue was the only thing being discussed in this Emergency Summit.

Secretary-General of ONIC, Madam Angelina Jolie (above, who is also the United Nations’ Goodwill Ambassador and a renowned American actress), says that its member states were concerned about the serious lack of fundamental sexual maturity among Malaysian men which has reached a new, dangerous level, which is considered as posing clear and imminent danger to all females across its member states, including young girls and old women.

“The member states must do everything they can to protect all our women, especially our young, school girls,” said Madam Angelina Jolie. “Due to the latest authoritative confirmation by one of the leading scholars in Malaysia, the member states felt that they have run out of options to protect the safety of half of their populations (i.e. the females) from sexual harassments and attacks by a group of deeply troubled men, and depraved beasts – if I may say so. This is the only responsible and effective thing for the member states to do.”

The “latest authoritative confirmation by one of the leading scholars” referred to by Madam Angelina Jolie is the pronouncement by one of Malaysia’s most respected, most intellectual, most learned, most scholarly and most influential NGOs, the National Islamic Students Association of Malaysia, whose vice-president Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari (a leading authority on criminal psychology and gender studies in the Islamic world) has dished out her latest nugget of wisdom called the "Theory of Uniform Arousal", to the effect that the school uniforms worn by the students of the Southeast Asian country would invite “social ills, including rape, sexual harassment and even premarital sex.”

“This leads to babies born out of wedlock and, to an extent, even prostitution,” Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari said. “This could see them getting molested, having premarital sex and all sorts of things.”

This is despite the fact that the uniforms cover most of the flesh of the female body anyway, from the neck to the wrists and to the toes.

(Picture: A typical Malaysian school uniform)

It appears that the ONIC have monitored the sexual maturity of Malaysian men closely in recent years, and Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari's latest scholarly opinion firmly confirmed their respective opinions about the danger posed by Malaysian men. Analysts believe that the last straw which triggered this unprecedented ban was the Malaysian men's perverse attitude towards female school uniforms, because all of ONIC’s member states have less conservative school uniforms than those worn in Malaysia.

One woman Minister attending the Summit, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that

“When Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari opens her mouth, we all listen. With a group of men who could go crazy even by seeing innocent school uniforms like that, you really don’t know what would provoke them next. It makes you wonder what the f**k is going on in these men's heads, and how our Malaysian sisters could live in such a dangerous environment. I would say Malaysia is even more dangerous than Iraq, because half of the population is just waiting to pounce on the other half, 24-7. Our hearts and prayers are with our Malaysian sisters.”

An emotional Malaysian male journalist (who was due to be deported immediately after covering the Summit’s press conference) questioned Madam Angelina Jolie whether the ban was "racist and anti-Islam", due to the fact that Malaysia is currently the Chair of the OIC and that the views of Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari is widely shared by the member states of the OIC, especially distinguished and pious religious scholars such as the Mufti of Australia.

Upon learning about the male journalist’s nationality and before she could muster a response, Madam Angelina Jolie visibly panicked and immediately asked for the protection of the armed policemen present. After a barrier was formed by 10 policemen armed with AK-47 assault rifles between her and the male journalist, (who was more than 25 metres away below the stage anyway), she then took a deep breath, and proceeded to explain,

“If you could get aroused even by a 13 year old’s school uniform, I’m pretty sure you would have raped Lara Croft the Tomb Raider."

"As your country’s Sisters in Islam Programme manager, Miss Norhayati Kaprawi said, “Something must be seriously wrong with local men if the sight of girls in their school uniform turns them on.”

"So, we really can’t take any chances of having a bunch of horny animals who have absolutely no self-control whatsoever walking around the streets of Milan, Marseille, Miami, Monte Carlo and Mongolia, among glamorous and beautiful women. Even though the member states would lose the tourism revenue from Malaysian men, this is far outweighed by the corresponding savings in eliminating the need to beef up security at whichever place on our soils where a Malaysian man is found. It’s just not worth it.”

Referring specifically to Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari’s comments that “It becomes a distraction to men, who are drawn to it, whether or not they like looking at it… This leads to babies born out of wedlock and, to an extent, even prostitution… This could see them getting molested, having premarital sex and all sorts of things,” Madam Angelina Jolie added,

“Malaysian men can’t seem to distinguish between being pretty or sexy and being slutty. Even if it is not a question of rape, we would still save our women a great deal of harassment from sexually immature Malaysian men, who would definitely misunderstand the ordinary dresses of our member states’ women as an invitation to sexual intercourse, or to be under the mistaken belief that our waitresses at McDonald’s are actually prostitutes advertising their services. Indeed, Malaysian men are worse than Borat. At least, Borat was charming and hilarious. Anyway, we are happy to at least do without the flirting from these childish men, which is no great loss at all – after all, your own Minister has said that the Malaysian men aren’t exactly Brad Pitt material anyway, you know what I mean?”

This blanket ban would be the first time in history that an entire country’s male population has been banned by any other country, although it is less comprehensive than Malaysia’s own complete ban on all Israeli nationals from travelling to Malaysia, which is currently still in force. Therefore, analysts believe that the Malaysian government would not have the audacity to complain about it, since this is only a taste of 'half' of its own medicine.

In Miami beach, Florida, the Mayor has already announced that the City’s police have been given the authority to “shoot first, investigate later” any Malaysian men approaching a 5 mile radius of the famous Miami beach, where skimpily dressed sexy, young women is a common sight. “If they could go wild over school uniform, imagine what these sons of bitches would do to our half naked American beauties on the beaches.” Other socially liberal ONIC member states as well as countries with nude beaches such as France, Spain, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, Australia and Thailand are expected to adopt the same “shoot first, investigate later” policy towards any man looking suspiciously like a Malaysian, who comes close to any female (including the ugly ones).

For reasons still unknown to the international press, Ulan Bator is the 2^nd City to follow such a “shoot first, investigate later” policy towards Malaysian men found in the City, even though Mongolia is a land-locked country with no beach. The country's Deputy Foreign Minister has declared -- without elaboration -- that "We'll shoot any Malaysian man who dares to come to our country, absolutely! We'll blow them up too!!" fueling speculation that Mongolia's policy has nothing to do with the uniform issue but some other undisclosed reasons.

Meanwhile, back in Malaysia, it is reported that non-Muslim men are planning a street protest against the blanket ban, in an effort to clarify that they have a much higher degree of sexual maturity and self-control around women and girls, especially beautiful women, so that they should not be lumped together with their Muslim compatriots.

In Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur (the country’s hippiest fashion hub), T-Shirts bearing the slogans such as “I Am Not Horny, Angelina! (Even Though You Are So Damned Hot!!)” and “Hey, My Cork Doesn’t Pop at Uniforms!” are selling like hotcakes. Surprisingly, overwhelming majority of the buyers in the long queues are actually Muslim men, who seem to be ashamed of, and eager to distance themselves from, the enlightened opinion of Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari. This perhaps explains why there is a lack of protest of “Selling Out” against the non-Muslim men for their intended protest from the usually vocal UMNO Youths.

However, at press time, it is still unclear whether the country’s top leaders would be granted diplomatic exemptions for official visits to the ONIC countries, although the consensus seems to be that the country’s ‘trigger-happy’ Deputy Premier would most likely to be unwelcome in the ONIC.

The Malaysian Foreign Ministry spokesperson, while stated that Malaysia “understands with regret” the resolution adopted by the ONIC, have refused to comment on the Deputy Premier’s likely ban. However, the spokesperson did express the country's gratitude to Professor Tan Sri Dato' Seri Dr Munirah Bahari for publishing her "Theory of Uniform Arousal" and hailing it as "the most important discovery of Malaysian men's psychology since our Independence 50 years ago." The spokesperson added,

"In fact, if there ever was a "Theory of EVERYTHING" in the social sciences, this is it. It explains the root cause of EVERY SINGLE social problem faced by our country -- prostitution, sexual crimes, over-population by unwanted babies, et cetera et cetera et cetera et cetera! Our government will now follow the Professor's advice by changing the school uniforms. We believe that EVERY SINGLE ONE of our social problem will be automatically solved the moment we just take care of the school uniforms -- at ONE stroke of the pen only! No other country on earth could do this. This is pure genius!

So, the Malaysian Government will formally nominate the Professor for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. We believe that if the Nobel Prize committee is not racist and anti-Islam, the Professor would surely get a Nobel Peace Prize this year for her outstanding contribution to world peace (or at least peace in Muslim countries)."

Meanwhile, the Tourism Minister (whose status as a Woman is unclear), in a last-ditch attempt to woo back tourists to Malaysia, said:

"The ONIC might have missed the point here. We must remember that attraction is a 2-way process. Perhaps the ONIC women populations are simply jealous about the kind of attention our female population are getting from our men. Here is the other side of the coin: if Malaysian women could arouse our men into going wild by simply wearing a conservative school uniform, just imagine how astonishingly, breath-takingly pretty and sexy our women are! Come and check it out for yourselves -- I know I did!"

(Picture below: An unparalleled Malaysian beauty)

Well, it seems that outsiders would not be able to conclude whether it's the chicken (Malaysian men's extreme perversion) or the egg (Malaysian women's unequalled beauty) behind the "Uniform Arousal", unless they visit Malaysia personally. The intrigue continues...