PAS is Too Dumb and Toxic to be ANYONE'S Partner (including UMNO)

1.              BN is getting very desperate. Even with the all-out help of the various institutions, they still won less seats in GE13.

2.             Going forward, things are not looking good either. There is no visible upside for BN and no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s all downhill from here.

3.              The introduction of the GST will put BN in a negative, downward spiral for at least 3 years – from 2014, when the bill was passed; to 2015, when GST comes into force; and then to 2016 at least, when the people – especially the lower income groups, chiefly the Malays – begin to suffer and their anger towards BN rises.

4.            The next GE is not due until 2018. Therefore, BN will be facing a very real prospect of losing power, unless the public (especially the Malays) have gotten used to GST (and all the other ensuing price hikes) by 2017. Otherwise, BN is finished. But that's not going to happen -- unless the real income and purchasing power of the average Joe magically rises within the next 3 years.

5.         “It’s all about the economy, stupid.” Every politician in the world knows that – except PAS, apparently.

6.            If Pakatan Rakyat could just sit tight, relax, and watch, BN will self-destruct comes 2017. But no, PAS is too horny to do that.

7.             PAS is like a teenage virgin. This teenager is so obsessed with the girl next door (let’s call her “Helen”) that every time you mention her name, PAS will immediately stop whatever he is doing, turn serious, his face blushing, and then declare loudly that he is willing to die for Helen. It’s like what they teach you in school about respecting the national anthem – stand up and stand still, whenever you hear it.

8.             Doesn’t matter whether PAS is eating, doing business in the toilet, or even playing football and are about to score -  If you say, “Look, Helen’s coming!”, PAS will immediately freeze, punch his right arm into the sky, and shout, “Helen is great! I love Helen! I will give everything for Helen, including my life!” IT WORKS EVERY F**KING TIME.

9.          That is why BN, getting extremely desperate, resort to the only weapon they could think of to break up Pakatan: Hudud. It’s the ONLY issue in the world on which PAS will say DEFINITELY YES, and DAP will say DEFINITELY NO. Last time they tried it, even DAP giants like Lim Kit Siang and Karpal Singh lost their seats in Parliament. 

10.       That was back when Mahathir was desperate and extremely scared of Anwar Ibrahim. Now, Najib is even more desperate. So, if the good Doctor says that this is the only weapon left, and it works EVERY F**KING TIME, wouldn’t you try? (After all, UMNO can only prosecute and imprison so many opposition leaders.)

11.          One main reason why PAS has been baited this time, I suspect, is because it is the dying dream of some elderly leaders of PAS to see Hudud becomes a reality in Malaysia – or at least in the only state in which PAS is in power, or makes some headway. The Menteri Besar of Kelantan might have wished to present this as a “Lifetime Achievement Award” to Nik Aziz, his octogenarian predecessor. Or maybe, that was one of the promises the new guy made to the old guy, before taking over. I wouldn't know.

12.        But I would call this “masturbating in public”. It is “syok-sendiri” (self-gratifying, because no other party in Pakatan Rakyat wants to get into this debate again), ugly to watch (we are talking about chopping off hands and stoning to death here), and is sure to destroy your public image forever (as in, NO right minded non-Muslim would ever trust PAS again, EVER).

13.         Dear PAS, please raise your head, look a little ahead, and ask yourselves: Comes GE14, how are your non-Muslim and more liberal Muslim partners in PKR and DAP going to be able persuade their constituencies to vote for PAS again (or for themselves for that matter, if you are still part of the coalition)? Given that in the Orange Manifesto, you had PROMISED not to raise Hudud if you were elected?

14.            The only thing worse about feeling disappointed towards your elected representatives, is to feel CHEATED. Once beaten, twice shy. NEVER AGAIN. You are not even in the government, for crying out loud! Imagine how seriously you would betray your promises to the people IF you were voted into power!

15.           So the question now is, what are PKR and DAP going to do about PAS? Seriously, if they would fall for this bait EVERY SINGLE TIME, then it just proves that they are simply TOO DUMB to be your partners. Seriously. How dumb could they be??

16.         Can PR survive a breakup with PAS? The answer is YES, and it's a GOOD NEWS too. And here is why.

17.         UMNO are now playing with fire by opening the door to PAS (forming a committee) to talk about Hudud. But if they really go ahead and allow Kelantan (or even the whole country) to implement Hudud, the effect would be to remove a major platform of PAS. PAS would have 1 less issue -- their main platform, actually! -- to champion for, and UMNO would replace PAS as the new champions of Islam.

18.         (By the way, this is yet another proof of how f**king dumb are PAS. They have concentrated their political propaganda on Hudud far too much and for too long. Now, if UMNO manages to remove Hudud from under their feet, they will simply drown and bow out of the political scene. In politics, it takes at least a decade to build up your credential and reputation in a particular area or issue, such as DAP’s reputation in anti-corruption. So, what is the raison d'État of PAS, post-Hudud? NOTHING. Thanks to PAS’ single-minded and longstanding obsession with Helen.)

19.            But at the same time, UMNO are also too dumb to realize that this is actually GOOD NEWS for the opposition. By also jumping on the Hudud bandwagon to out-Islamicize PAS, UMNO would move further to the right or the conservative side of the political spectrum, eating up PAS’ share of the rural votes in the process – WHILE not only gaining nothing, but also losing a big part, of the Middle Malaysia. It does not take a genius to be sure that the non-Muslim component parties of BN would not go along with UMNO on Hudud. This would allow PKR to finally become the new champions of “Moderate Islam”, and DAP could then sail along freely on the wave of Malaysian history into power (a wave as a result of the tide created by the suicide pact of UMNO-PAS).

20.            By not realizing that Hudud could backfire against them, UMNO and PAS would most likely die together. This is because Hudud would only enable UMNO to gain at the expense of PAS, not PKR or DAP – the threat to BN's real electoral base.

21.       Let’s face it, most Malays in Malaysia (including in Kelantan) are not ready for Hudud. They might be too scared to say it in public, but that is what they think deep inside their heart. They did not vote for PAS because they wanted Hudud, but because they did not want UMNO. (Hudud is an even bigger No-No for UMNO Malays, needless to say.) It has always been a tacit understanding among UMNO politicians and Malay elites that using Hudud as a weapon would be below-the-belt.

22.       Now, if PKR is able to articulate a coherent set of political principles to build a “Moderate Islam-Populist” political platform, using “Not yet ready for Hudud” as a tactic to sidestep this public masturbation contest between UMNO and PAS, and focuses the public’s attention on income inequality and corruption, they would be in a position to make history – both for themselves and the country.

23.          In other words, by playing up Hudud, UMNO and PAS would box each other into a corner which would be too difficult for them to extricate themselves from, misjudge the real electoral trend in Malaysia (the material needs of the growing, young and low-income Malays), and lose in the key battlefields. If UMNO think that the reason why they become weaker and weaker is because they fail to out-Islamicize PAS, then they should think again. (Or maybe, it's better if they don't think at all...)

24.        The challenge now is for PKR to get their act together. Or maybe, just maybe, it is finally the historic moment for DAP to capture the Middle Malaysia, without waiting for their struggling partners in Pakatan to do it.

25.           (Another reason why PAS is dumb to support Hudud at this stage – who controls the prosecution and the judiciary at the moment? IF Hudud is implemented, who would gain more power to intimidate their opponents -- PAS, or UMNO?? After Hudud has been implemented, would UMNO’s hands likely to be chopped off or heads be stoned to death?? Get real, man. This is a pointless theoretical exercise for self-glory (“Dear Helen, look how I’ve fought for you!”) which does not achieve any real benefit for the society at all, but will only make those in power even more powerful. Come on, WAKE UP!)

26.            So, who’s up for seizing the historical opportunity amidst the mess created by UMNO and PAS?  

Najib’s GE13 Victory Speech Inspired by Obama’s 2012

(Bawang, 31 April 2013, Kuala Lumpur) – As the Chairman of Barisan Nasional, incumbent Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak delivered his victory speech yesterday at UMNO Headquarters, PWTC, Kuala Lumpur, after the final election results of the 13^th General Election 2013 were made official by the Election Commission. RTM1, RTM2 and TV3 carried his speech live.

Observers have noted that Najib’s speech sounded very similar to Obama’s November 2012 victory speech. Perhaps Najib was trying to INSPIRE the people of Malaysia, like Obama did to the Americans. So, we have decided to reproduce the texts of both speeches together for the readers’ comparisons. You are free to form your own judgments on how well Najib did compared with Obama.

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[Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.]

NAJIB: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Obama: Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward.]

NAJIB: Tonight, more than 55 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting the Malay Agenda moves forward.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: It moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over war and depression, the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, the belief that while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.]

NAJIB: It moves forward because of you, the Bumiputras. It moves forward because you, the Bumiputras, reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over Western and Chinese colonialism, the spirit that has saved this country from the claws of Anwar Ibrahim and DAP, the belief that while each of us will fight for our own individual government projects and contracts, we are a Bumiputra family and we rise or fall together as 1Malaysia of Bumiputras lording over the Pendatangs, and as one ummah of Muslims repelling the godless infidels.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Tonight, in this election, you, the American people, reminded us that while our road has been hard, while our journey has been long, we have picked ourselves up, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for the United States of America the best is yet to come.]

NAJIB: Tonight, in this election, you, the Bumiputras, reminded the Pendatangs that while UMNO and BN might have lost the popular support, while the popular votes are clearly siding with Pakatan Rakyat, we have won the Phantom Votes, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for UMNO, the best is yet to come.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I want to thank every American who participated in this election...]

NAJIB: I want to thank every Bumiputra who voted for BN in this election...

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: ... whether you voted for the very first time or waited in line for a very long time.]

NAJIB: ... whether you voted for UMNO or the other useless parties of BN who totally depended on UMNO to win their seats.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: By the way, we have to fix that.]

NAJIB: By the way, whenever I mention Bumiputras in this speech, I don’t include the Natives of Sabah and Sarawak. I don't think I even have to remind you of that.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: ... whether you held an Obama sign or a Romney sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference.]

NAJIB: ... whether you beat up a person holding a PKR sign or a DAP sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference.

[Obama: I just spoke with Governor Romney and I congratulated him and Paul Ryan on a hard-fought campaign.]

NAJIB: I just spoke with Anwar Ibrahim and I asked him and Lim Guan Eng to go fuck themselves (and each other).

(APPLAUSE)

NAJIB: He said to me that “Well, at least we won’t have to screw or be screwed by Rosmah every single day.” I said, "Are you sure? The whole Malaysia is, kawan."

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: We may have battled fiercely, but it's only because we love this country deeply and we care so strongly about its future.]

NAJIB: We may have battled fiercely, but it's only because we love government projects and contracts deeply, and we care so strongly about the future of UMNO’s “business opportunities”.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: From George to Lenore to their son Mitt, the Romney family has chosen to give back to America through public service and that is the legacy that we honor and applaud tonight.]

NAJIB: From Anwar Ibrahim to Wan Azizah to their daughter Nurul Izzah, the Anwar family has chosen to betray the Malay Agenda through working with DAP, and those are the traitors we defeat and humiliate tonight.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: In the weeks ahead, I also look forward to sitting down with Governor Romney to talk about where we can work together to move this country forward.]

NAJIB: In the weeks ahead, I also look forward to locking up Anwar Ibrahim, Lim Guan Eng and Karpal Singh, and to talk to my good friend and ally Hadi Awang, our not-so-covert mole in Pakatan Rakyat, about where we can work together to move the Malay Agenda forward.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I want to thank my friend and partner of the last four years, America's happy warrior, the best vice president anybody could ever hope for, Joe Biden.]

NAJIB: I want to thank my friends and “Bad-Cops” of the last four years. First, the person who has made extreme and racist statements in public to appease our UMNO supporters so that I didn’t have to, the best Deputy Prime Minister anybody could ever hope for, Malay-First-Malaysian-Last Muhyiddin Yassin.

And Nazri Aziz, who kept talking like a complete idiot, to say some vague and useless things which doesn't cost me anything, that would make the non-Malays happy one day and then say other things to upset them the next day.

And not forgetting Idris Jala, the Minister of Bad News, who delivered all the gloomy news about cutting subsidies and the country going bankrupt so that none of the BN politicians had to. He was the only Minister telling the truth to the country so that none of us in the Cabinet had to.

Last but not least, also thanks to Zahid Hamidi and my useless cousin Hishamuddin Hussein for keeping their big fucking mouths shut for the past couple of years so that the non-Malays were not so annoyed like they were before 2008.

Without their cooperation to do all the dirty works for me, I would not have been able to look shake off my blood-thirsty, "defend Putrajaya with blood", UMNO-putra image to morph into a gentle reformist, the only Good Guy in government and enjoy the high popularity rating, to fool the stupid Indians and some Chinese to come back to BN.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: And I wouldn't be the man I am today without the woman who agreed to marry me 20 years ago.]

NAJIB: And I would have been the Prime Minister at least 10 years earlier without the woman who seduced me into marrying her 25 years ago.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Let me say this publicly: Michelle, I have never loved you more. I have never been prouder to watch the rest of America fall in love with you, too, as our nation's first lady.]

NAJIB: Let me say this publicly: Rosmah, I have never hated you more. I have never been more worried to watch the rest of Malaysia loathed and hated you, too, as our nation's self-proclaimed First Lady. I nearly lost the election because of your fat ass.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Sasha and Malia, before our very eyes you're growing up to become two strong, smart beautiful young women, just like your mom.]

NAJIB: My children, before our very eyes you're growing up to become experienced money-sucking vacuum cleaners, just like your mom.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: And I'm so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one dog's probably enough.]

NAJIB: And I'm so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one USD24 million ring and 20 luxury handbags are probably enough.

(LAUGHTER)

[Obama: To the best campaign team and volunteers in the history of politics...]

NAJIB: To the best Election Commission-NRD team and  Phantom-Voters-Manufacturers in the history of politics!!!

 (APPLAUSE)

[Obama: The best. The best ever. Some of you were new this time around, and some of you have been at my side since the very beginning.]

NAJIB: The best. The best ever. Some of you were new this time around, and some of you have been at UMNO’s side since the very beginning of Mahathir’s time.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But all of you are family. No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will carry the memory of the history we made together and you will have the life-long appreciation of a grateful president. Thank you for believing all the way, through every hill, through every valley.]

NAJIB: But all of you are family. No matter what you do or where you go from here, you will be haunted by the memories of the treasonous acts we did together and you will have the life-long appreciation of a grateful UMNO. Thank you for helping us to cheat all the way, through every IC, through every MyKad, through every ballot paper.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You lifted me up the whole way and I will always be grateful for everything that you've done and all the incredible work that you put in.]

NAJIB: You saved UMNO’s ass the whole way and I will always be grateful for every fake MyKad that you've issued and all the incredible Phantom Voters that you put on the Voters’ Register. But you lot should also be grateful that UMNO does not lose power because otherwise, your ass would also be shot by Pakatan Rakyat. We are in this together.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I know that political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. And that provides plenty of fodder for the cynics that tell us that politics is nothing more than a contest of egos or the domain of special interests. But if you ever get the chance to talk to folks who turned out at our rallies and crowded along a rope line in a high school gym, or saw folks working late in a campaign office in some tiny county far away from home, you'll discover something else.]

NAJIB: I know that political campaigns always cost a lot of money, even more than RM40 million per seat. And that provides plenty of fodder for the opposition that tell us that Malaysian elections are nothing more than a farce and a fraud, or the domain of money politics and vote buying. But if you ever get the chance to talk to folks who turned out at our ceramahs and election operation rooms to ask for money in exchange for their votes, or saw kampung folks looking so happy to receive some cheap freebies, you'll discover something else.

[Obama: You'll hear the determination in the voice of a young field organizer who's working his way through college and wants to make sure every child has that same opportunity.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the naivety of the stupid voters who don’t care about democracy and don’t even bother to ask why our country has gone down the drain, and wants to make sure every child of his has that same opportunity to live the third-world-lifestyle forever.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You'll hear the pride in the voice of a volunteer who's going door to door because her brother was finally hired when the local auto plant added another shift.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the gratitude in the voice of a poor farmer who's supporting all the polluting and dangerous industries because his children were finally hired as janitors of Lynas, even though in the end their wages for 10 lifetimes would not even be enough to cure their father’s cancer.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You'll hear the deep patriotism in the voice of a military spouse whose working the phones late at night to make sure that no one who fights for this country ever has to fight for a job or a roof over their head when they come home.]

NAJIB: You'll hear the deep patriotism in the voice of some naive non-Bumi military personnel who are stupidly proud of being a second class Malaysian citizen who can’t wait to die for his country to make sure, that every non-Bumi who fights for this country will still forever remain a Pendatang and second class citizen when they come home. 

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: That's why we do this. That's what politics can be. That's why elections matter. It's not small, it's big. It's important. Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy.]

NAJIB: That's why we do this. That's what Malay Agenda can be. That's why elections must be bought or stolen. It's not cheap, it's expensive. It's a pain in the ass. Democracy in a nation of 28 million can be noisy and messy and complicated if the people are given their liberty. We must not allow anyone to have his own opinion. Each of us has deeply held beliefs but only the Malay Agenda is allowed to be championed. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a party, it necessarily suppress civil liberties and minority rights, stirs up non-Bumi’s dissatisfactions.

[Obama: That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots like we did today.]

NAJIB: That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These privileges and special positions we have are a mark of our superiority as UMNO-putras. We can never forget that as we speak people in Kuala Lumpur are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to assemble peacefully, and the chance to cast their ballots like we successfully suppressed today.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America's future. We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers.]

NAJIB: But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for UMNO's future. We want our kids to grow up or get educated in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers, like America, Britain or Australia even though they are liberal, Christian democracies controlled by Jews.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow.]

NAJIB: A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in systematic, institutionalized discrimination against non-Muslims and electoral fraud and manipulation, with all the lucrative government projects and contracts that follow.

[Obama: We want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet.]

NAJIB: We want our children to live in a Malaysia that is burdened by ever increasing national debt and budget deficits so that one day we could join the ranks of advanced economies like Greece and Spain, that isn't weakened by equality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of an environmental movement.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: We want to pass on a country that's safe and respected and admired around the world, a nation that is defended by the strongest military on earth and the best troops this - this world has ever known.

NAJIB: We want to pass on a country that's backward and a laughing stock and sniggered at around the world, a nation that is defended by the best submarines ON EARTH and the most secure fighter jet engines this world has ever known.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: But also a country that moves with confidence beyond this time of war, to shape a peace that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every human being. We believe in a generous America, in a compassionate America, in a tolerant America, open to the dreams of an immigrant's daughter who studies in our schools and pledges to our flag.]

NAJIB: But also a country that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every Bumiputra only. We believe in a generous government who gives out lucrative projects and contracts, in a compassionate UMNO towards its members, open to the dreams of a Pendatang's daughter so long as they and their posterity pledge to remain a second class citizen forever and ever and don’t demand any right or equal treatment with the Bumiputras, like what an ordinary human being anywhere else on earth would want to.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: To the furniture worker's child in North Carolina who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president - that's the future we hope for. That's the vision we share. That's where we need to go - forward.]

NAJIB: To the Indian estate worker's child in Perak who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president - that's the future we are scared of. That's the vision we must suppress. That's where we need to go – hold them back.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Tonight you voted for action, not politics as usual.]

NAJIB: Tonight you voted for Pakatan Rakyat, not UMNO’s politics as usual. But we don’t give a fuck because our Phantom Voters have saved us once again.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: You elected us to focus on your jobs, not ours. And in the coming weeks and months, I am looking forward to reaching out and working with leaders of both parties to meet the challenges we can only solve together. Reducing our deficit. Reforming our tax code. Fixing our immigration system. Freeing ourselves from foreign oil. We've got more work to do.]

NAJIB: You elected us to focus on our jobs, not yours. And in the coming weeks and months, I am looking forward to reaching out and working with leaders of BN to meet the challenges by the Pakatan Rakyat we can only solve together. Increasing our deficit. Implementing Sales Tax. Reversing all the vote-buying political and economic liberalization reforms. Freeing ourselves from Chinese economic domination. Forever ban people from using Dataran Merdeka. We've got more work to do.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military in history, but that's not what makes us strong. Our university, our culture are all the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores.]

NAJIB: This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes UMNO rich. We have the most useless military in history, but that's not what makes us weak. Our university, our culture are all the pariah of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores to have a good laugh at our mess.

[Obama: What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the most diverse nation on earth.]

NAJIB: What makes Malaysia exceptional are the special privileges for Bumiputras and Never Ending Policy that forever split the most diverse nation on earth.

[Obama: The belief that our destiny is shared; that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations. The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for come with responsibilities as well as rights. And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism. That's what makes America great.]

NAJIB: The belief that our Bumiputra destiny is shared among Bumiputras alone; that this country only works when non-Bumis accept certain obligations to Bumiputras and to future generations of Bumiputras. The freedom which so many non-Bumis have fought for and died for come with responsibilities towards Bumiputras as well as necessary and permanent racial and religious discrimnation. And among those are Ketuanan Melayu and and Islamic supremacy and corruption and totalitarianism. That's what makes Malay Agenda great.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I am hopeful tonight because I've seen the spirit at work in America… I've seen it in the soldiers who reenlist after losing a limb and in those SEALs who charged up the stairs into darkness and danger because they knew there was a buddy behind them watching their back.]

NAJIB: I am hopeful tonight because I've seen the spirit at work in Malaysia… I've seen it in the non-Bumi soldiers who reenlist after being heavily discriminated against and despised at and called a Pendatang by UMNO, including by Zahid Hamidi, and in those patriotic non-Malay soldiers who charged up the stairs into darkness and danger because they knew there was a whole life of never-ending and complete discrimination and hatred by their own government behind them waiting for them if and when they do come back alive after fighting for Malaysia.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.]

NAJIB: I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. That is what I want the non-Bumis to believe, forever and ever. So that they will vote for BN elections after elections, keep hoping that each time we change Prime Minister they will get a better treatment, despite all the evidence to the contrary as proven by the 1999 election, when they saved Mahathir’s sorry arse (but nothing improved), and the 2004 election, when they helped give Abdullah 90% of the seats in Parliament (but also nothing improved). We will keep promising them so that they will keep hoping and hoping for the day that will never come. But if they cannot be persuaded to hope again, we can always remind them of May 13and threaten instability and chaos.

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.]

NAJIB: America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the Bumiputras only. I believe we can keep the promise of our predecessors, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love so long as you are a Muslim. It doesn't matter whether you're yellow or brown or white or Burmese or Indon or Filipino or Arab or Pakistani or young or old or rich or quite rich, stupid or dumb, straight or straight, you can make it here in Malaysia so long as you look like a Malay or Arab and you're a true Bumiputra (and not the copycats called "Natives").

(APPLAUSE)

[Obama: Thank you, America. God bless you. God bless these United States.]

NAJIB: Thank you, Malaysia. God bless you. God bless these UMNO-putras.

(APPLAUSE)

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Bawang note: Political analysts predict that with the combination of electoral fraud and stupid and naive voters who keep hoping that Lucifer will be transformed into a Saint, UMNO will rule Malaysia for at least another 100 years. We congratulate Malaysians for getting what they deserve.

MACC: Whale Ain’t No Big Fish

Juslo's Bawang

(Kuala Lumpur, 31 September 2011) Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission Chief Commissioner, Datuk Seri Abu Kassim Mohamed, today vehemently defended his refusal to resign, even though MACC has so far failed to take any action against the country’s most powerful politicians such as the Prime Minister Najib Razak, Sarawak Chief Minister Taib Mahmud and Sabah Chief Minister Musa Aman for alleged corruption.

Last year, the MACC Chief denied the allegation that MACC was not serious in tackling bribery and only caught the 'ikan bilis' (those involved in small bribes) instead of the 'sharks'; he said MACC had never turned a blind eye to the 'big fish', and told a gathering of innocent, naïve, primary school kids in a public relations event that,

“You know that I am (100% prepared to take action against any members of the cabinet for corruption). I can make sure that if there is a case and report against any cabinet minister (and subsequently no action is taken), I am willing to go down.”

But today, Abu Kassim clarified what he meant last year,

“Please read my speech carefully. I said “cabinet minister”, but I did not say “Prime Minister” or “Chief Minister”, am I right?? Yes, I did say before that I'll quit if big fish are let off, but hey, don’t you people watch National Geographic? Didn’t your teachers teach you people that whale is NOT a fish but a mammal?? I said MACC would catch the 'sharks', yes, but we never said we would catch whales! Whales are in a completely different category than fish, big or small!”

“We have no problem catching sharks but do you know how dangerous it is to catch a whale?? If a whale flips its tail, it will cause a tsunami, and the whole Malaysia will get drown. There are far reaching consequences for the whole country and Ketuanan Melayu if we touch whales!! You want me and my people to get killed is it?! We never signed up to catch whales!! Besides, whales are legally protected by international treaties. So, we at MACC are not allowed to catch whales, we know that from day 1 we joined. We don't want to bite off more than we can chew, and trust me, whaling could get very very ugly.”

He was approached by reporters today after Tun Dr Ling Liong Sik was yesterday found by the court for not guilty of two cheating charges related to the RM12.5 billion PKFZ project.

The court decided that “misleading the Government is not ‘cheating’, you idiot; that is corruption. Don’t abuse the meaning of words.”

Abu Kassim said, “Yes, I did say before that I'll quit if big fish are let off, but hey, there is NO corruption involved in this case. Tun Ling was NOT charged for any corruption crime, but only for cheating. So, his prosecution actually has nothing to do with the MACC.”

When asked if MACC is now going to prosecute Ling for any corruption crime, Abu Kassim said, “Too bad, we can’t anymore. Since he has been freed by the Court, we cannot charge him anymore for the same issues. It’s called “double-jeopardy”, don’t you people understand?”

Abu Kassim denied that the Government had purposely charged Ling for the wrong offence so that he is guaranteed to be not guilty, and denied that this was a “whitewash.” He insisted that the Attorney General is a smart person. When asked whether Ling was a 'whale' (which MACC is afraid to hunt) or a 'shark' (which MACC is not afraid to hunt), he said,

“I would say he’s a 'baby whale'. Which means, if we really go against him, the Mother Whale might get so upset that we’ll all get into trouble. So, we have to be gentle with the baby whale also.”

OMG - Juslo's Prophecy Came True!!

Stan: Oh my god, they plagiarized Juslo's fatwa!

Kyle: YOU MORONS!!

Taken without permission from Juslo's Seriously-Dude-I-Really-Didn't-Make-This-Up.com, copyright unprotected.

(31 June 2010, Johor Bahru) Semi-retired blogger Juslo has today threatened to sue the Johor Religious Council adviser Datuk Nooh Gadot and Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria for plagiarizing his fatwa, when they recently declared that the wearing of certain football jerseys, such as those of Manchester United and Barcelona, were forbidden in Islam. (see the press excerpt, below)

Juslo, who on November 25, 2008 already posted the much-ridiculed post, "Fatwa Bans Red Devils and Christian Clubs", said furiously at the press conference that: "I came up with this first! Therefore, they should at least properly acknowledge my authority in this field. Otherwise, this is plagiarism, and I'm gonna sue these a**holes!" He went on to bang the table repeatedly.

Juslo says: Respect my AUTHORITAH!!

Juslo added, "I don't mind people paying homage to my works, but at least they should not pass it off as if it was their own original ideas. You know, I can respect their constitutional right to stupidity, but they should also respect my authority, just like how they always talk about respecting the Malay Rulers, the position of Islam, and the special rights of Malays, blah blah blah. This is highly unethical. Since they claim to be religious men, they ought to be ashamed of themselves."

Juslo added that he now also expects the various newspapers like KOSMO! and Star to give him credit as the original creater of this fatwa. "If you guys are ethical journalists, you should do so, dudes!"

In that 2008 post, Juslo has already came up with the world's FIRST fatwa to say that Muslims should not be allowed to wear the jerseys of Barcelona and Manchester United. Although he did not name the jerseys of the national teams of Brazil, Portugal, Serbia, Barcelona and Norway (and England and Switzerland, by the way), he did named other famous European football clubs too, such as Real Madrid and AC Milan. (Datuk Nooh Gadot and Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria might want to take note. For the good of the Muslim youths, don't leave out any one of them god-damed infidel, sesat clubs!!)

Nevertheless, Juslo commended these 2 prominent Muslim intellectuals for always be on the lookout for ways to protect the stupid muslims of Malaysia. "Malaysian muslims would be lost and confused without these guardian angels. What would Malaysian muslims do without them? All praise and glory to God, and may God bless their intellect for decades to come," said Juslo, tears of gratitude in his eyes while touching his heart, and seemed geniunely touched.

Juslo, a part-time unemployed blogger who was banned by RPK because of minor differences of opinions, also felt relieved and vindicated. "Now, nobody can accuse me of spreading false news. Nobody can say I'm not qualified to talk about Islam (Malaysian style, at least) because even the highly respected ulamas like Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria and Datuk Nooh Gadot bloody stole my ideas. So now you know, all the things I've written are true - you just have to wait for the time to come, that's all."

Meanwhile, the Malaysian bloggerhood are worried about which other prophecies of Juslo would come true next. Ascot Sports has already been issued the very first and only betting license by the Prime Minister to put up bets of the following few prophecies coming true:

3/1 - Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong Declared a Muslim, Children ‘Disinherited’

5/1 - Use of ‘Bapa’ by Non-Malays Banned

8/1 - Malaysian Men Banned From Non-OIC Countries

8/1 - Parliamentary Votes by SMS Valid, says Court

The following are the reports showing how these unethical ulamas have plagiarized Juslo's fatwa:

Football jerseys Muslims should
not wear

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/7/19/nation/6689974&sec=nation
Monday July 19, 2010

KOSMO! carried a report about Muslims who wittingly or unwittingly wear football jerseys which display images of crosses, liquor brands and devils.

Johor Religious Council adviser Datuk Nooh Gadot said wearing such jerseys were forbidden in Islam.


“It is as if Muslims are worshipping and exalting the symbols of other religions. Islam does not compromise on this matter, regardless of whether it is worn for fun, fashion or sport,” he said.


Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria agreed with Nooh and said although Islam did not forbid its followers from participating in sports or dressing up, it has to be done within the boundaries of Islamic law.


Among the football teams whose crests carry images of the cross are Brazil, Portugal, Serbia, Barcelona and Norway, while Manchester United carries the “Red Devil” slogan on its team crest.

Haram pakai jersi lambang salib – Datuk Nooh
Gadot

http://www.rindok.com/blog/haram-pakai-jersi-lambang-salib-datuk-nooh-gadot/

Pemakaian jersi bola sepak atau sebarang pakaian yang memiliki lambang salib, jenama arak dan imej syaitan adalah haram hukumnya dan boleh menjurus kepada perbuatan syirik.

Penasihat Majlis Agama Islam Johor (MAIJ), Datuk Nooh Gadot berkata, perkara tersebut ditegah oleh Islam dan perbuatan mengabaikan hukum yang sudah jelas boleh membawa umat Islam ke arah syirik.

Beliau berkata, memakai baju seperti itu walau apapun alasannya menunjukkan umat Islam seolah-olah mengagung-agungkan dan memuliakan lambang agama lain.

“Semua mengetahui hukum ini dengan jelas, ia adalah haram dan jangan beri alasan untuk menghalalkan perkara tersebut.

“Dalam hal ini, Islam tidak ada kompromi sama ada ia dibuat atas nama hiburan, fesyen mahupun sukan,” ujarnya ketika dihubungi Kosmo! Ahad baru-baru ini.

Beliau mengulas trend menyarung jersi di kalangan remaja dan golongan dewasa masa kini yang secara terang-terangan memiliki lambang salib atau jenama arak di baju mereka.

Trend itu sudah agak lama berlaku di negara ini namun semakin popular semenjak demam Piala Dunia melanda bermula awal tahun ini.

Antara jersi pasukan negara atau kelab yang tertera lambang salib atau imej syaitan adalah Brazil, Portugal, Sweden dan Norway, Manchester United dan Barcelona.

Nada yang sama turut diluahkan oleh Mufti Perak, Tan Sri Harussani Zakaria.

Beliau berkata, perbuatan memakai baju seperti itu hanya menjurus ke arah dosa dan boleh mengakibatkan syirik kepada Allah.

Jelasnya, pakaian yang mempamerkan lambang agama lain mahupun mempunyai imej syaitan dan jenama arak dilihat seperti mengangkat martabat lambang itu lebih tinggi berbanding Islam.

Menurut Harussani, Islam tidak menghalang umatnya untuk berfesyen atau bersukan namun ia perlu dilakukan dalam ruang lingkup syarak seperti menutup
aurat dan tidak membazir.

Use of ‘Bapa’ by Non-Malays Banned

Some of the mentally challenged Malays teaching their kids how to be loving and tolerant

Juslo's Bawang

Friday, Feb 31, 2010, Kuala Lumpur – The Malaysian Government has just launched its “Protect 1Stupid Malaysia” Campaign today, which was officiated by the Prime Minster and attended by all the Malay leaders from the ruling party UMNO.

The Prime Minister launching his signature “Protect 1Stupid Malaysia” Campaign, with his wife and other UMNO leaders.

In his keynote address, the Prime Minister said:

“We all know that believing in Islam would make you stupid and vulnerable. (Some would say, ILLITERATE too – that’s why they couldn’t fucking tell that ‘Herald’ is actually a Catholic publication.) We also know that in Malaysia, by definition, all Muslims are also automatically Malays. That is why, the Malays/Muslims are a group of very easily confused people. So, the Government of Ketuanan Melayu has decided to launch this very important campaign to protect the stupid Malays of Malaysia.”

Under this campaign, apart from disagreeing with the court’s decision that the word ‘Allah’ could be used by non-Muslims (by appealing until the higher courts agree with the Government, as they are bound to), the Government will also ban the use of a few important words in the Malay language by non-Malays, so that eventually, the use of the Malay language in any way, shape or form by non-Malays would be banned altogether.

First off, the most popular word “Bapa” would be banned. The word means “father” in Malay. Based on our survey, English-speaking Westerners like to use the word “Papa” to refer to their fathers affectionately, and Chinese Malaysians also commonly use this word to call their fathers, albeit sounding more like “Baba”, “Aba” or just “Ba”. The PM explained that it is very important to ban the use of this word by non-Malays because:

“Let’s say a pious, highly educated Malay adult man with a highly successful professional career, walks on the street. Suddenly, he hears a little Chinese girl calls her Dad, “Baba”. Although this man is highly educated etc etc, to the Government he is STILL VERY STUPID (because as far as the Government is concerned, he is still a Malay), so he might suddenly become SOOOO confused and thought that the little Chinese girl’s Dad is actually his own “Bapa”!! How could a pious, good Malay call a kafir, Chinese pig “Bapa”?! We must never let this happen.

Not every father is a “Bapa”! So, non-Malays must not call their fathers “Bapa” or anything which remotely sound like that because we don’t want Malays to become confused about who are really their daddies. This would affect the supreme position of the stupid Malay fathers under the Malaysian Constitution and it is provocative to the stupid Malay fathers.

In the coming days, I shall ask all leaders of UMNO to suggest words which they think we should ban non-Malays in this country from using.”

Unbelievably Moronic Numbskull Organisms -- Proud Defenders of the rights of the Malay Race

All the Ministers from the UMNO party (Unbelievably Moronic Numbskull Organisms) fully support the PM’s new campaign.

Dato' Seri Hishammuddin Bin Tun Hussein, the PM’s cousin and a top-leader in both UMNO and the Malaysian Government, said that because this is Tanah Melayu (the ancestral land of the Malays), it is the right of the Malays in Malaysia to do whatever they like including to be stupid, and to FORCE OTHERS TO CHANGE their own cultures and methods of worship, in order to respect the Malays' right to stupidity. He said that he is willing to pull out his keris (the traditional Malay sword) to defend this right.

Not surprisingly, his suggested word for banning is “keris”, so that Malay men do not confuse it with “kiss” when it is time to do battle with the non-Malays who challenge this right to stupidity. "Bunuh kafir itu dengan keris (kill that infidel bastard with a keris)!!" might be misunderstood as "kill that infidel bastard with a kiss!!", he explained.

Hisham -- Kissing the Keris but not confused about Keris and Kiss

Dato' Seri Dr. Ahmad Zahid Bin Hamidi, a top-leader in both UMNO and the Malaysian Government, said that just because a Malay is not blind, can read, and can recognise his/her own father, let’s not forget that Malays tend to become stupid whenever they are exposed to non-Malay cultures. Whenever they come into contact with non-Malays, all of a sudden, their world became very confusing - because, according to Zahid, non-Malays are always out to use every means at their disposal to confuse the Malays. (But he did not elaborate on why he thought this was the case.)

That is why, it is the mission of UMNO to protect these Malays so that they can choose to continue to live like idiots, and also because it is only by continuing to make them idiots that they will continue to support and depend on UMNO. “It is a win-win situation. If your people are stupid, it is your job as a leader to keep them that way, not to reason with them or to make them smarter,” he added.

Zahid -- One of the brainiest leaders of his generation, extremely fluent in English

In fact, being one of the more brainy ones in UMNO, Zahid’s goal is more ambitious. He figured that by banning the use of certain words by non-Malays, non-Malays will ultimately also lose the use of that word, therefore becoming as stupid as the Malays too. So, He suggested that the word “Enjin” be banned from non-Malay use, so that non-Malays (whom UMNO accuse as forming the majority of the opposition politicians) would stop questioning the Government and him about the embarrassing theft of the 2 fighter jet engines from the country's top security air force base (which occurred when the current stupid Malay PM was the Defence Minister).

(However, he later withdrew the suggestion and aborted the interview immediately after being told by his aide that actually, the word “enjin” was a word borrowed from English.)

Meanwhile, Dato' Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, the top woman leader of UMNO, became immediately hysterical -- in the true UMNO tradition -- when she was asked to comment. “A lot of stupid Malay mums have called my organization to ask what more could they do to protect their stupid children from becoming very confused. We are going to meet whoever we can meet to make sure that Malays don’t get confused about whether they are actually stupid or not. If need be, we will apply to meet the King,” she said in a statement.

Sharizat -- The Agong is our Agony Uncle

Naturally, being the top female Malay leader, she proposed the ban of the word “Mak” (meaning ‘mother’, in Malay language) as the obvious next step to the ban of “Bapa”. “If we don’t want stupid Malays to get confused about who are their fathers, surely we do not want them to get confused about who are their mothers either. In fact, I think, avoiding confusion about “Mak” is more important than not confusing “Bapa”, because nowadays, rich and powerful Malay men usually become very horny when they get older, so it is very common to have more than 1 “Mak” in a household, which can get very confusing for the kids.”

Finally, Datuk Seri Syed Hamid bin Syed Jaafar Albar, the ex-Minister who started all these controversies by imposing the ban of the non-Muslims’ use of the word ‘Allah’ even though non-Muslims in the country had been using it for hundreds of years even before Malaysia was born, said that the God-given right of Malays to act and talk like idiots and the Malay Rulers' role to protect the idiocy of the Malays was enshrined in the Constitution. Therefore, those who dare to question it should be immediately detained without trial for up to 2 years under the country’s Internal Security Act – for their own ‘protection’.

Syed Hamid -- His wisdom sent him into Happy Retirement

He suggested that the Malay word “Bodoh” (meaning ‘stupid’, in Malay language) should be banned from non-Malay use, because the word has now become too commonly used by non-Malays to call someone ‘stupid’ in an affectionate or joking way, such as "Eh, Bodoh lah you!" and do not mean it seriously. Therefore, Malays might get ‘confused’ and think that the person who is being called ‘Bodoh’ is seriously stupid, instead of only jokingly so.

“Because Malays are so stupid, they can’t tell if someone is joking or not. The pre-requisite to appreciating humour/have a sense of humour is intelligence, which unfortunately most Malays in UMNO and their ilk sadly lack,” he said, perhaps meant as an advice to the author of this post?